


Tempest

by Samsam4short



Series: Eternal Flame [6]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Kingdom Hearts III Spoilers, Redemption, Self-Discovery, Self-Sacrifice, Soulmates, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-22
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:14:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 15
Words: 34,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24321133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Samsam4short/pseuds/Samsam4short
Summary: She's taught him all he knows of love, but did he teach her how to stop?((Aka select chapters from the Rueki series, from Axel's point of view))((Updates Fridays))
Relationships: Akutāre | Axel/Original Character(s), Axel (Kingdom Hearts)/Original Female Character(s), Lea (Kingdom Hearts)/Original Character(s)
Series: Eternal Flame [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1285385
Comments: 20
Kudos: 6





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello friends and welcome to my side hoe of a project! In all honesty, this story is the only piece of my writing that has ever made me cry while writing it, so like, there's that. I'm so excited to be sharing this with you, wrapping my mind around Axel's is actually a lot easier for me than it was to wrap it around Rueki's--being that I am actually more like Axel than Rueki--and has been hella refreshing, considering our girl is, as usual anymore, going through it. 
> 
> The first five chapters will contain the events from 'Let It Burn'. I'll include chapter references as I post, this first chapter here will take place between chapters II and III of 'Let It Burn'.
> 
> The next five chapters will contain events from 'From The Ashes', and the last five will contain events from 'Up In Flames'. That being said, there will be some chapters, in the last five, that will likely get pushed back to avoid spoiling anything from the main story. They're not written yet though, so I guess we'll see how that goes. 
> 
> Anyhow, I hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoyed writing it!

I.

It’s always black in The World That Never Was. It’s always black behind his eyes. He closes them and feels nothing and that’s probably for the best. He hasn’t dreamt in ages. He likes things this way.

He likes sensing his weight, only his, as he sinks into the mattress and pulls the comforter above his bare chest, no haunting memories singing their siren song, none of the faces he’s snuffed life from creeping beneath his skin. His autonomy is entirely his. He feels no pride in it. He hasn’t felt a thing in over a decade.

The light in his room flicks on. He groans, swiping the back of his hands across bright green eyes. He’s not unprepared for the face, he went to bed wearing his standard issue Organization XIII pants for this reason.

The moon is full, this is the only time they get to talk anymore.

“Compose yourself, we leave now.” The voice of someone who used to be his dearest friend demands.

Axel doesn’t even feel annoyed. Saix doesn’t look like he feels a thing either. This is exactly and nothing like what they signed up for.

Axel swipes his coat off of the floor, yanks on boots and finishes zipping up said coat through the dark corridor. A distant memory, something far off reminds him how much he hated traversing like this when everything started. When the still beating heart was first snatched from his chest. But he was a child then, a little boy who needed marks drawn beneath his eyes to keep himself from crying.

The marks have now been made permanent, but he’s long since stopped shedding tears.

“Allowed outta the cage kinda early tonight.” Axel observes. Saix merely hums, barely acknowledging the other man’s words. “Usually it’s much later before Lord Xemnas tires of you and sends ya packing.”

“The Superior understands that the moon leaves me restless. He’s granting me reprieve for the time being.” Saix says quickly, but Axel knows that translates easily into ‘the Heartless infestation at the bottom of the castle is getting out of hand, go rip them apart with your bare hands’. Not that he’s seen Saix do just that, but Demyx will tell that tale until he’s blue in the face. 

“So I get to clean up your mess, huh? What is it with me and the icky jobs?” Axel asks, throwing up his hood as they emerge, into the night, into a torrential downpour. Bright red hair clings to the ghostly white of Axel’s cheekbones. There’s something about the rain in the World That Never Was, that always sizzles with static electricity, whispers in his ear alone, it seems, that a storm is on its way. 

As if he weren’t out here in the midst of one right now.

“If you weren’t content to clean up messes, you shouldn’t have made yourself so good at it.” It’s the closest thing Saix will give him to a compliment, especially now, shoulders squared, eyes narrow, rain pouring into thick, blue tresses without a care. Axel’s certain Saix’s eyes haven’t always been golden. Saix writes this off as a minor change in his appearance after having lost his heart. Axel doesn't buy this, and it’s particularly hard to ignore them in cold, pale moonlight. 

“There’s another one then?” Axel mutters, voice dipping low out of habit. Saix draws his Claymore into his hands, inhaling deeply, like a wild animal, hungry for a scent. 

“You’ll be sent to Oblivion.” Saix announces and Axel makes a face akin to a pout. He can’t feel displeasure, he reminds himself. Not about the rain, not the static, not even about the fact that he’s being kicked to some back o’ beyond that Xemnas found in the middle of nothing. “There are secrets that those of us want uncovered, stones that need a thorough hand to turn them over.”

Oh.

“What does Lord Xemnas want turned over?” 

“The Superior speculates treason in our midst. Surely, I need not tell you what to do about that.” Saix is right, he doesn't need to. Axel knows his role, feels it heavy on the tip of his tongue, pressing into his shoulders, igniting every neuron in his brain that attempts to warn him that something is morally off.

But he feels nothing of morality. It's not hard, not really. Human lives are easier. Their pleading is based on emotional appeal, something he lacks abundantly, and humans really are more fragile than Nobodies. When one gets too close or asks questions about Organization XIII, when someone’s sloppy and a human being starts to wonder about their presence, it’s Axel’s job to eradicate that.

He thinks of the faces of his fellow members and has no lost love. Whoever has to go, has to go, he’s got no qualms about it. 

“I will be rounding up suspected members. Be sure not one returns.” Saix orders, Axel’s eyes flash, sharp in the night. Unexpected. Xemnas has never been into a fair trial, but usually Axel, for his rank, is respected. Allowed to investigate, allowed to confirm gossip that neither the Superior, nor his second command, should stoop to listen in on. 

Being a bottom feeder has such perks.

A bright light bursts in the sky, Axel’s eyes go wide, Saix freezes, jaw tightening.

“A shooting star.” Axel speculates.

“Would you like me to tell you to make a wish?” Saix asks, and Axel thinks he might mean this as a joke, but if anything, it’s like an icepick, probing the empty gap in Axel’s chest.

He feels nothing, he feels nothing, he feels nothing. Not the absence of a friend he used to have, not even the ache where his heart should be.

“What do you think should be uncovered in Oblivion?” Emphasis on you. Axel’s voice dips into a whisper quickly. Saix’s eyes dart away from the blazing star lighting up the sky in a way this world has never seen before. The blue haired man takes one massive step away from the castle, then another, then another, and Axel follows easy, long legs refusing to break stride. 

“The orders I gave you are never to be voiced. Even the Superior himself does not want them repeated in his presence.” Axel’s not an idiot, he knows how to read between the lines. Saix needs some people murdered, and this is where Axel comes in, where Axel has always come in.

Once you’ve taken a life, what’s another? And another? And another?

Anything for a friend, perhaps he’s noble after all.

“Yeah, sure, I’ve got that memorized.” Axel nods.

“There’s also another matter. It might be nothing, but I believe you’re quite aware of the Superior’s tendency to… seek privacy. In a secluded chamber in the castle?” Wasn’t everyone, Axel wants to ask? Hasn’t Xigbar teased said chamber’s existence to anyone with ears? If ever there were a man incapable of keeping secrets, it would be Xigbar. Axel doesn’t trust him within ten feet of anything precious to him.

“Sure.” Axel drawls, savoring the weight of his tongue in his mouth, focusing on that alone as Saix tears into a herd of Heartless at the edge of their path. It takes the Berserker merely seconds, really, it’s hardly fair to the Heartless. But Axel doubts they care.

“The Superior’s interest in such an odd little castle has been striking. Perhaps a bit too much so. It appears he has reason to believe Oblivion might hold a pair, to his sacred hideaway.” Saix explains as he calmly, deftly, walks away from the remnants of the Heartless, wipes a bead of sweat off of his forehead, and leads them further.

“And what does the Superior think might be in this chamber?” Axel lifts a thin brow, crossing his arms to his chest. From the spot that they’re in now, the shooting star looks brighter, a meteor shower, perhaps? 

“He’s not voiced such theories. Not to me.” Saix’s voice lowers to a dull roar. The veins in his neck pop, even in the nonexistent lighting. “Which leads me to wonder, if this chamber might hold the key to what we’re looking toward.”

The air goes eerily still around them. Axel feels the electricity in the midnight air all the more, a current blazing under his skin, whirring through his veins. Maybe if he had a heart, he’d call this excitement.

The first tangible lead to overthrowing the lunatic who had dragged two boys, kicking and screaming, into his castle. Two half conscious children, sobbing, clutching each other, questioning the whereabouts of friends and family. Two adolescents who were forced to learn, very swiftly, that they were not mere adolescents anymore, and such behavior was met with consequences they were not prepared to stomach. 

Axel remembers distinctly, failing a mission, convincing himself of emotions he didn’t realize he didn’t have. He remembers being splayed on Vexen’s lab table, ink injected into the diamonds Saix had drawn beneath his eyes that morning. He remembers the old scientist howling with laughter, watching the boy shriek as the Poison that course through the ink seared his skin. Of course, he’d been injected with an antidote merely moments later, as Vexen murmured aloud ‘subject has the capacity for pain, even without a heart’. The marks beneath his eyes became permanent that day. And Axel did not make the same mistake twice.

“Well then…” A smirk carves itself into Axel’s face, one that looks blazing on the surface, but is as cold and dead as he. “I’m flattered you selected me, mister right hand. I think I’m more than up for this little task.”

The shooting star’s a little too bright now. Saix chokes down a breath, Axel narrows his eyes, heavy lashes casting shadows across his cheekbones. This meteor shower is getting a little too damn close to orbit.

Only it’s not a meteor shower, and the closer it gets, the more apparent it becomes. Something streaks through the sky, a sun collapsing, a galaxy imploding, Axel’s got no idea, but a deep, gut instinct yanks him forward and he takes off in a sprint, toward it. Over the squelching of his boots against the rain, he hears Saix calling out to him, but he hardly has the heart to care about anything other than whatever’s soaring from the sky, smearing across the blackness.

It crashes into the pavement, his eyes go huge.

How in Twilight’s name, did a Gummi Ship break this world’s barrier?

It’s empty, it’s got to be empty, Axel decides. The realm itself seems intent to prove him wrong. The ship bursts into flames, something distinctly human tries to crawl out of it, kicking at the glass, beating it with an object until it’s pierced. The person gasps, a shuddering, rattle of a noise as they break from the ship. They’re so desperate for that sweet little inhale, they don’t realize they’re on fire.

Axel will never understand why he does this. Instinct, he tells himself, the hardwiring in his brain, the same brain of that little boy who had friends and family he wanted to care for back home, is urging him forward. He parts the flames, leaping up the length of the ship, as swiftly as his long legs will take him. The person, a woman gasps, shivering as she swats at the flames lighting up her skin. In the haze, she looks as though she could melt, each swat weaker than the last until she stops altogether, her weight collapsing against the broken glass of her own vessel. 

In one fell swoop, Axel scoops the woman up, leaps away from her ship, and watches it explode behind him. Cinematically, he’s sure it’s beautiful. But she’s choking in his arms and it’s all he can do to lay her against the ground, her eyes flutter shut, she’s breathing erratic and slow. 

“Leave her.” Saix demands, instantly, a cold harsh threat evident in his voice.

“How did she get in here?” Axel whispers, head snapping back to stare up at the other man from where he’s crouched.

“It matters not, the Superior will hardly be forgiving of someone who breached this world’s protection, do her the kindness of letting her die out here.” Saix spits. It’s then that Axel realizes the animosity in Saix’s eyes is not actually animosity at all. It’s fear. Palpable, tangible, something neither of them should be afflicted with, but Saix is showing all signs of. The pinprick pupils, the pulsepoint hammering in his neck, the visible sweat beading on his forehead, worse now than in combat. 

Axel’s eyes fleet across the woman again. She’s certainly not unattractive, but she’s small and soft, she’s no more threatening than a marshmallow and yet he can tell, without a spoken word, Saix wishes he’d have left her in that ship.

“She’s human.” Axel mutters, errand thought escaping his lips.

“I’ve already told you, whatever she is, is of no importance.” Saix barks.

“And I say it is, you don’t think the Superior saw that? That he might wonder what came crashing into the world?” Axel brushes a hand across the woman’s soot covered face. Her burns are bad, but nothing that won’t heal properly on its own. The broken glass embedded in her thigh is another story. He doesn’t want to have to be the one to pick that out. She’s a delicate looking thing, despite the clanky metal on her arm. Those thick lashes, her hair, long and blonde, bound in a high bun, such pretty pink lips. This one’s gonna cry her little eyes out at the thought of having a scar. 

“Need I remind you what happened last time you let your feelings get the better of you?” Saix seethes. Axel’s face burns. He doesn’t feel shame, he doesn’t feel fear, he doesn’t feel embarrassment. 

“I’m not letting her die out here, Saix.” Axel snaps.

“Better than to be responsible for her death in there, Axel!” Saix retorts, but he gives himself away. His current state is his one weakness. 

He’s not afraid of Xemnas killing her, he’s not trying to do this stray creature a kindness. No, he’s very worried Xemnas won’t kill her, and he doesn’t even have the courtesy to tell Axel why.

It’s uselessly defiant, maybe a little childish, but Axel thinks fine, be that way and scoops the woman back up, over his shoulder.

“I’m bringing her in.” Axel says, flatly rising to his feet, towering once more, over Saix. The blue haired man swallows hard enough that his Adam’s apple bobs and then abruptly turns on his heel, making a squeaking noise in the pouring rain. 

Is it raining harder now? Axel’s not really sure.

“Fine. Let us hope for the both of you that Xemnas does not deem this a misgiving. I’d hate to order Vexen to commence any...unpleasant experiments. On either of you.” Saix waves his hand and disappears into a corridor, leaving Axel steaming in the rain behind him.

Nobodies don’t feel fear, Nobodies don’t feel hope. Heart or no, Axel can tell when someone who had once been quite candid with him, is trying to pull the rug.

Whoever this woman was, she’s starting a storm herself.

Axel doesn’t figure out who or what she is that night, but per Xemnas’ request, lays her out in a spare bed in a room not far from his.

Tonight is the first night in a decade that he closes his eyes and dreams. And he dreams of toothless smiles and green eyes and sidewalk chalk.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends and welcome in for another chapter! I hope you guys like this one, it's supposed to talked place in Chapter 8 of 'Let It Burn', right after Roxas, Axel and Rueki leave Motunui. I've been doing a kh proud mode run though, which I've never done before so that's new BUT it's also hella inspiring and is definitely getting the creative juices flowing

II.

Axel does not like complications. Singlehanded, he prefers to stir the pot. The realm can bend to his whims if he moves it properly, no one has told Rueki from Transmute City, that such a job is his and his alone.

Outright, he’s drawn to the woman. That’s all he can say. It’s a draw, it’s a curiosity, something that takes no feelings, but dear fucking Twilight, it’s just a draw. Doesn’t he know better than to keep playing in that woman’s storm? Normal, sane women do not tell you they hate you and try to swing at you after swallowing your load. Granted, normal, sane men do not taunt their lovers just in hopes that she’ll preserve herself and leave. She didn’t make him scream, but that was through no fault of her own and every bit the stubbornness, like an anchor in his gut.

Has no one told that woman that she’s got no right to smell like the popping of champagne bubbles and fresh rain and winter mornings? Has no one told her that every time she takes her hair down, he’s bound to melt and think only of how nice it would look splayed across his bed, waking up beside her in the morning. If she’d just ask to stay the night, if she’d just ask to curl up in his arms instead of not subtly ‘sneaking’ back to her room, he’d let her.

He should not be having these preoccupations. He should not be daydreaming about these contemplations with stars in his eyes and heaven hanging headily in his heart. 

It’s like this, trapped in his thoughts, that he waits just outside the castle, on the steps, listening to the pouring rain, watching it ricochet off of the puddles that form.

Why the fuck is he so obsessed with some wily little alchemist? Why can’t he take his mind off of the strange burn he left on her hip, a burn that he saw today, in Motunui, weeks later, has not faded in the slightest. 

“You shouldn’t sulk. It doesn’t become you.” Saix’s voice booms from behind him. Axel swipes a hand through his hair, noticing that the wrinkles in his brow seem to settle a little more now than before.

“Thanks for gracing me with your presence.” Axel mutters. “I actually thought for a second that you were going to leave me out here all night.”

“What a shame that would have been. A night we’d all be given reprieve from the sound of you and that thing fornicating.” That thing, Saix calls her, always. Since the second Axel scooped her up and out of the rain after her ship crashed. That thing, like he was never human too, like they were never human, like they hadn’t been striving for that goal for the past decade.

His golden eyes are narrowed into slits. Axel decides he doesn’t need to have a heart to realize he doesn’t like how this conversation sits. Or maybe he’s just remembering what disappointment feels like. He seems to be remembering what a lot of feelings are like lately, or at least, so Saix assures him. 

“I knew her. So did you.” Axel murmurs, voice low, rumbling like the smoke does as it brushes the ground. “I know we did, I haven’t stopped dreaming about her.”

“And whose fault is that for allowing himself to indulge these fantasies?” Saix hums, Axel’s whole body clenches.

“She lived with that pilot, didn’t shit?” Axel asks. 

“What happened to the past being hazy?” Saix quips, and Axel is thankful he’s not looking up at someone he had once called his friend. Why is it a problem that memories are flooding back? Did they ever really go anywhere or was it easier to bury them? He’s not sure, but he knows this wanderess whose stolen her way into his life has been a catalyst. If he’s the flame, she’s gasoline.

“It was just a memory. Just a moment I recalled. I pushed some blonde little girl with missing front teeth and green eyes into the fountain in the town square, and that pilot, Highwind something or other, he came running out of his house chasing us with a broom. You shit bricks and yelled at me for antagonizing her. How can you not remember?” 

“How can you allow yourself to believe that a blonde, green eyed girl from a lifetime ago is the same one who wandered into our world?” Saix asks. Axel doesn’t want to repeat the fact that he dreams about her. But he does, dreams, and dreams, recalling moments where she played dolls with some black haired little girl, moments where she waited to get ice cream with him. He recalls her daydreaming about flying away. He remembers her having a crush on a boy who looked remarkably like Roxas, a boy who only existed in his life for a heartbeat, a breath, a blip in time.

He knows better than to think emotions will appeal to Saix any more than they had to him. 

‘Don’t kill me’, ‘I want to live’, ‘why are you doing this’. He never won’t hear the litany of voices pleading for mercy in the shadows of his thoughts. 

“Fine.” Axel shrugs. “Doesn’t matter. I know she spent time with Zexion, I’ll ask him. Maybe Vexen. Maybe Xigbar.” He pushes himself to his feet, wiping imaginary dust off of his coat, jaw set, eyes hard. 

“Xigbar, really?” Saix has an eyebrow lifted and looks utterly humorless, arms crossed to his barreled chest as Axel wheels around. 

“I’m just saying someone will tell me is all. But great talk, friend.” He quips.

“This is hardly the time to behave like a petulant child, Lea.” Isa rolls his eyes. Every muscle in Axel’s body goes tense.

“I hate when you call me that.” It started out as a token of familiarity but feels cheaper and cheaper every time Saix calls him by that moniker. He’s no more Lea than Sax is Isa. “I’m just asking you to confirm my suspicions, if you don’t want to, that’s fine. Doesn’t change anything.” It won’t change the fact that Saix has treated her like a plague since she crashed into this world and that makes him suspicions, doesn’t change the fact that all signs are lining up toward Rueki being the little girl he remembers from his childhood and that’s distressing because how did a little girl from Hollow Bastion not only survive the Heartless infestation, but catapult into Transmute City? It doesn’t change the fact that when this conversation is done, he’s going to find her, that he’s going to hope that she’s still awake. That he’s going to lead them both to the slaughter by taking her into his bed.

“And what will you say if I tell you she is the girl you’re remembering? What will it matter?” 

“What it matters is that she got away and that we didn’t, and I want to know how!” Axel protests, watching the color drain from Saix’s face. Those cold golden eyes zero in on his, suddenly he’s under a microscope but he knows better than to flinch. 

“Whatever it is that you think you’re feeling, do not forget that you are not.” Saix murmurs. 

“I know that.” Axel rolls his eyes. 

“Does she?” Saix inclines an eyebrow. Axel’s jaw goes tense, bone sharp against his skin. 

“Aren’t we supposed to be friends? Come on, I can tell when you’re keeping something from me?” Axel huffs.

“Advice from a friend, is that what you’d like?” Saix’s eyebrows raise and Axel wants to take his words and shovel them right back into his mouth. “Whatever magic brought the girl to this world is hardly something bright. She’s a distraction, she makes you stupid, she renders you incapable. She is a blemish in this world and had you any common sense, you’d have left her to die in the fire of her ship. You don’t have a heart, I highly suggest you remember that playing with some girl is not going to restore it. You were capable of greatness. Do not allow her to squander it. I’d hate to have to be responsible for what happens to someone who is inhibiting your progress.”

“She’s not a threat, Saix.” Axel snaps.

“She doesn’t have to be. But her use has an expiration date. Consider that before you build your master plan around her. And remember, she may be from our past, but there are those of us who have been at your side since those days, she has not. Don’t throw your life away for her.” 

“Don’t you mean nonexistence? What life do you or I or any of us even have?” Axel murmurs, catching the edges of Saix’s smirk, coiled up too tightly, too neat. Isa was always put together, prim, but this is robotic. Has Axel been missing the clues for this long? Or was a switch actually flipped in the other man’s mind the second Rueki stumbled into this world?

“Now you’re catching the point.” Saix replies, which sends Axel on his way, through frustratingly similar corridors. The bleakness is so much, he can’t even catch his own mind from where it runs. Who’s been the one blind, who’s been the man with all the answers, who grasps for nothing, who holds the cards? He’s never had to wonder where he stands with Saix, he has been able to stomach the plain, unattached way every single other thing since becoming a Nobody has ghosted by him, close enough to touch and simultaneously just out of reach because there was someone on his side.

Axel’s not a fucking idiot. He should have been smart enough to know what would happen when his fingers finally closed around something. The sheer pursuit would be as hollow as thin air.

But Rueki’s door creaks open and instead of a miserable wretch of a woman, looking to kick him while he’s down, he’s half convinced he’s found an angel.

He knows where heaven hides, it’s in the curl of her fist as she sleeps, mouth parted, eyes pinched tight, blankets twisted up in her hand. For a moment, for a very brief, fleeting second, he thinks about sinking down beside her, wrapping his arms around her middle and falling asleep right there, on the rise and fall of her breast. 

But the second passes and he’s not that guy. Not to mention he’s certain she’d give him a black eye if she just randomly woke up and noticed a body holding her. So, instead, he comes to the edge of her bed and brushes a gloved hand through her hair, savoring the way she hums into his touch. What a pretty thing it’d be if unconsciously, she knew it was his and wanted him close to her?

What a pretty thing, if that were a possibility for him to want and not an errand thought, a school boy’s dream? He takes a step back, and then another, and then another until he’s at her door frame, like he’s a child, afraid to get his hand slapped. She’s not forbidden. He’s tasted her before. So why does this feel deeply more intimate? 

“You asleep?” He breathes. Her visible eye flutters open, she’s not biting her lips, he tells himself, she doesn’t look excited to see him. She’s probably at least half annoyed by him.

“Maybe.” She replies, and he watches her tongue in her mouth, the way she rolls over the words, the way she fumbles for something witty. It makes him feel like he’s not the only one who has no fucking clue what he’s doing here. “Depends what I need to be up for.” Little temptress. He could give about a thousand answers to that question, but none so alluring as the truth, as to why he came to her, as to why he needs her.

“Well that depends on whether or not you’re still being a mouthy bitch.” He smiles, hoping it tastes a lot more like an inside joke and a lot less like a slap in the face. Her eye gleams and he knows he hit his mark.

“I definitely am… But I might be able to tame it. How was the man you saw about the horse?” She shifts herself up, body clearly heavy with exhaustion, but she’s rubbing her eyes and trying to jolt herself and he wonders what that says about him, about her, about them, that he means more to her than well needed rest?

Is it him, or is it the hunger for knowledge stirring her, he wonders? He’s sure she’s starving for it, the way he’s kept it far enough away from her lips for as long as he has.

Just a little longer, he thinks. Just a little more, until he learns what he has to. A little bit more and he’ll share it all with her.

Because the truth of the matter is, she’s exactly what he needs right now, the phantom of a heart begging in his chest, palpitating, reminding his dry mouth and spent brow why this feels so very worth walking away from Saix.

“Well, I got a few answers but mostly… It was completely unhelpful.” He answers.

“This have anything to do with the answers you needed about me?” She asks, screwing up her face. He’s not supposed to think that she looks cute like this. Men without hearts don’t think that insufferable, exhausting, distracting women are cute. 

“Wanna go back to my room and talk?” He asks. She rises as though she’s been called, it’s exhausting not to kiss her, not to touch her, not to thank her for being here.

For waking something up, for cutting through the smoke in mirrors. For being his confidant, for being unbiased. For being his partner.

He looks at her as she taps her hands at her sides, unsure what to do with them on the walk back to his room. He contemplates taking one into his, but realizes his error.

Without a heart, how can he know what sort of pace to move at? And how dare he close this distance between them, only to remind her of the road blocks later?

Maybe he can’t survive her storm. Maybe she can’t dance in the flames.

But he doesn’t think that she’ll extinguish him for a long, long time. And he won’t pull out a damn umbrella until she begs him to.


	3. Chapter 3

III.

Axel fucking hates Rueki.

Fucking hates the woman and now it looks like he’s dying next to her. 

He’s never met anyone more selfish, anyone less able to see from another person’s point of view. She’s a tsunami of a human being, miserable, exasperating and more consuming than the fucking monsoons that wreaked havoc on the World That Never Was. 

She can’t hold a conversation like an adult, can’t behave in any sort of civilized way when he’s trying to right his wrong. She throws quips at fucking teenagers, she turns her damn crooked nose up at the man who is trying to talk them through how to stay alive. It’s like she doesn’t want to, it’s like she’d rather behave like a child, throwing herself into the ground until she gets her way.

Well, one of them has to act like a normal person, he just didn’t think it’d be him.

But what did he think? Keeping her in the dark would work? That it wouldn’t come back to bite him, his intentions for Zexion? He didn’t expect her to start yanking his clothes off in the castle basement, but he’s pretty sure that didn’t help a fucking thing. She stomps all around, like she can figure things out on her own, like she’s not stumbling in the dark, but she’s as high and mighty as ever.

He can still feel the impact from where she punched him in the face.

He still feels the heat pooling in his chest, begging every carnal instinct in his body to press her face into the side of one of these massive buildings and just issue a sweet little threat in her ears that never listen anyway. He had no problem putting Vexen down like an animal, maybe she should be more scared of him.

But the second that thought crosses his mind, he wants to wipe it away, smear it from existence. One introspective look is all it takes. He doesn’t like that thing he was, he hates the man he’s become when he fathoms what that man would do to her, the way he would so carelessly throw aside her wellbeing just to get a leg up.

Whether they live through this or not, he’s not going to be that person anymore, not going to be Saix’s own personal goon. He doesn’t want to be an assassin, he doesn’t want to think the answer to a problem is striking fear into the heart of someone he lo--

No. No, he doesn’t feel that. Can’t feel it.

It’s easy to remind himself that when she throws her hands up.

“Then I guess we’re screwed.” Screwed, because she won’t trust him with her life, screwed because once again, she’s incapable of playing the game.

That’s the problem, he reminds himself. This little fucking psycho can’t bend, not even for her own survival.

“Can you, for like five seconds pretend that you give a shit about anything other than your own ego?” Pretend that you’re thankful for the way he keeps you alive, pretend that you’re thankful for how he’s going to save you?

“Oh, that’s rich, coming from you.” She snaps back. It’s very easy to remember why he’s angry at her like this. Remarkably so. He guesses he’s thankful that it’s banished those nagging little remnants of guilt.

When he hates her, it’s easy to forget he ever didn’t.

\--

She’s crying on the floor in the alley. Or at least she was. It seems like she cries a lot lately, he’s probably got more to do with that than he wants to own up to.

He was gonna be a better man, he decided, the second he materialized in the UG after the day abruptly ended. He didn’t sleep, he didn’t wake up, just stopped existing and started again, before Rueki did. He was going to start the morning with condolences, he was going to sweet talk his way into her good graces, because he knows what he’s good for and that’s right at the top of the list.

Be an asshole, just be a charming asshole, he tells himself. She’s easy to work, she’s easy to mould, he knows how to flip her switches one by one, because she wears that pretty little heart right on the edge of her sleeve.

In the open, reminding him of the ache where his heart should be. How right would things be if it wasn’t missing? If he could just fucking utter the words she throws in his face, reciprocate them, mean then?

“You’re up.” He announces.

“I have absolutely nothing to say to you.” She says, in a way that can only be described as snotty and he thinks, fuck it. She can go back to being a bitch, he can be a better man without sucking her ass.

Although, it’s frustratingly, a nice ass.  
Her tears have dried on the alley floor and he wants to take back the words he shouted at her only minutes ago.

‘You always act like you know everything about everything, never willing to listen to anyone else’s side of the story, because there can’t be anything other than yours, now can there?’

Okay, so maybe he was right, calling her out on that one.

‘Like you’ve never done a single selfish thing? I told you, everything I did was to keep you alive, if you wanna act like a victim because you made it through Castle Oblivion without Larxene slitting your throat, then be my guest. But maybe save the fuck ups for when your life isn’t tied to mine!’

And he was right on that, he doesn’t regret those words, doesn’t take them back, refuses to regret what she needed to hear, what no one else will tell her because she parades around like she’s the meanest thing in town, and fuck him for wanting to reel her in before something else proves to her that she’s not. It’s not fair that he’s always gotta be the bad guy.

‘Maybe Del was onto something. Maybe you’re just a cold bitch and I’m your karma.’ 

That, he does regret. Poignantly so. That was shitty, bringing her ex up, using words she’d told him in a moment of vulnerability, a moment where she was pouring her heart out to him. A moment where she was falling in love with him. That wasn’t okay. And now he looks at her on the alley floor and wonders why it’s so easy to forget he ever hated her when he remember he lo--

He can’t. He doesn’t. He wants to, so bad he’d break every bone in his body, set himself ablaze to make it possible.

“Just say three damn nice things to each other. That’s it.” The ginger haired boy sighs, probably wishing he had the volume on his head phones cranked up louder. Axel knows he wouldn’t mind blocking out the world.

“Fine, you’re strong, I’ll give you that. You’re...creative.” Rueki makes a face as though this process is as painful as pulling teeth. When did she stop looking at him with such bright eyes? Why can’t he pinpoint that moment? “And stuff that other people say doesn’t bother you, you’re true to yourself.” She finally spits like she’s happy it’s done, like she’s thankful this facade is out of her system.

Wasn’t she the one with tears in her eyes when she asked if he realized that she wanted more than emotionless sex with him? Wasn’t she the one who begged him for one more time? Wasn’t it her heart that broke when she finally said she loved him like she meant it and not out of spite and he told her he wished she didn’t?

Where’d she go? He wonders. What happened to the girl who’d drag him back, against every bit of his nature, just because she wanted another taste of the heat? Is this his fault?

She’s taught him all he knows of love, but did he teach her how to stop?

\--

“Do you really think that little of me, Rueki? That I’d lie to you about your past or what I...wanted to feel for you?” 

There they are. Cards out on the table. He flips them all face up for her, and in the blazing, Shibuya sun, he thinks her eyes might be shining again. She’s the one that wanted to talk, and he hoped that this would ease that sinking feeling in his chest, but it hasn’t.

“Can you blame me? I had to find out from Luxord that you didn’t have a heart. I had to find out from Marluxia that half of what you said to me was a lie. How could I be expected to trust the other half?” He reads her like a book, each page spelling out exactly what she needs. So fragile, so open, so human, all she’s begging for right now is a reason to trust him.

But he doesn’t have one, so he touches her face, brushes a gloved thumb across her cheekbone and watches her disappear into that.

“I don’t know if I’m ready for…” She mutters unconvincingly, so he takes his hand away, but immediately she snatches it back and proceeds to one up him by throwing her arms around his waist, pressing her cheek to his chest.

Steam could rise off of them, they could burst into the sun right here and he wouldn’t give a quarter of a fuck. The world could melt on them, and he’d just be so happy it did in her arms.

Happy. He’s happy. He knows what happy feels like, so how can this be a memory? The jolt in his chest, the twisting in his stomach, the way the rest of the world turns to background noise with her wrapped up in him. It's so plain, but he thinks this is the best he’s ever been with her. 

“I didn’t mean to make you feel like any of that.” If he could have been a real boyfriend, he never would have, if he was normal he’d never have hurt her like that. He’s got empty hands now, but the fullest arms, and how could losing this be worth the cold comfort he found in a friendship that doesn’t feel the same?

He’s gonna get her out of here, he decides then and there. He’s gonna get her out of here, put her somewhere safe and get his heart back his way, without someone calling shots, without someone else dipping his hands in the dirt.

If there’s anything good in the universe, she’ll be waiting still with open arms, when he’s finally put back his own pieces.

\--

And now he’s back to hating her. Fully fucking hating her, blind rage, skulking away, can barely see a foot in front of him.

Thank Twilight today’s mission is a cake walk. Even though she speculated otherwise. Neku too. He could have made a comment about her hankering for younger guys--Neku, Roxas, fuck maybe even Sora-- just to hurt her, but he is not an asshole. Unlike her.

He would have been content to revel in the almost but not quite goodbye that neither of them wanted to say this morning before she and Shiki went shopping. He would have been happy with the hope, sitting like candy on the tip of his tongue. Her name’s this stupid mantra in his head, her arms around him would center everything, there’s something about her that quells the flames just enough so that he can walk, rather than dance through. 

But maybe he’s seeing her with rose colored glasses. Because she’s not all this, she’s not an angel, she’s not his savior. She’s the person who can’t thank him, the person who can’t be genuine without taking it right back and dangling it in his face. She’s the woman who’s got to rub his misgivings in his face like he’s not growing, like he’s not transforming before her eyes. She’s the person who takes the change he’s gone through and laughs, like it means nothing.

She’s the person who screams his name, who leaps forward toward something he can’t see. She’s the one who takes a dive like petty things don’t matter, like banter doesn’t matter, like he’s the only thing in this world that exists. She’s the one that gets punctured by the Taboo Noise that he didn’t realize was there until it was right in front of them.

She’s the one bleeding, she’s the one choking and sputtering and falling to the ground, face going cold, eyes losing light. But she’s not bleeding. She’s not dying. He realizes this and is nearly sick.

Oh no. His eyes go wide, he watches darkness lick her body, seeping out of her as though it is coming from within her pores, spreading out of her core.

Oh no. Memories of his childhood eat away in the back of his mind, hungry and devouring. The little girl holding the pair of scissors, trying and failing to fend off Heartless. The little girl who crashed into him and begged him not to leave her. 

The little girl he failed. Failed because darkness doesn’t eat the ice cold corpse of a human. But it does, always does come back to claim a Nobody. She begged him not to leave her, he wants to grasp her face in his hands and swear that the only reason he did was to keep her alive, to keep her safe. He had to take the hit from the Neo Shadow to keep her alive, couldn’t let her scream, couldn’t let her crumble, couldn’t let her fall. She was a child, what kind of cruel universe would let his dying act, for her, be slapped so thoroughly in his face?

He remembers the pain in his chest, remembers all of that night, he even remembers, for the first time in a decade, watching her hit the ground. He understands the nightmares that plagued him before slipping quietly away in his first few months as a Nobody. He knows why she looked so familiar, how could she not have? He had committed every bit of the face of the girl he failed, to memory.

He was supposed to save her then. He didn’t. He takes one look at the way she’s limp in his arms and knows he can’t fail at this again.

Damn everything else, none of it matters. He can’t live a life without Rueki.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends, we got another Axel chapter here for ya! This takes place in 'Let It Burn' still, and to jog your memory, remember when Rueki and Axel went to the Destiny Islands and had a cute date and right after he got sent to Oblivion, Rueki's mental state got worse, she and Xion were out searching for the 'imposter' aka Riku and suddenly Xion went into a mini coma and Axel kept calling himself a monster and ended up having that breakdown in Wonderland where after attempting to bang Rueki, he set the Tea Party Garden on fire? Like right before Rueki discovers she's linked to Sora, resolves to kill Xion and Axel halts Rueki by telling her he loves her? Well that's what's happening in this chapter!

IV.

It’s been approximately 477 days since Rueki’s slept normally. Not really, but everyone else seems to be counting down something and that’s all he’s able to focus on anymore.

She wakes up screaming most nights. They haven’t slept with the lights off in weeks. Xion hasn’t been awake in weeks, and when Axel looks in the mirror anymore, he wishes it would fog up and he could forget the disappointing eyes that stare back at him.

‘You get to be nothing instead of just Nobody’, he told Vexen, like death would be preferable, even over the sound of the old man's screams. How can one not realize, so deeply ingrained in their very bones, a sense of disassociation with their own life?

Would he have ever grown a conscience if Rueki hadn't shown him this dysphoria was learned and not earned?

Saix looks at him anymore like ‘how could you’.

Rueki looks at him with stars in her eyes and sparks in her smile, even as he makes her tiptoe around the word ‘love’. 

A month in Oblivion, alone, is enough to convince him fully and entirely, he doesn't deserve her. Not until he can learn to stop pulling under every time he starts to sink again. 

Roxas holds her hand. Roxas gets her through a panic attack. Roxas is the hero she needs, looking bright and shiny and like he could wipe the dust off of her heart.

But she doesn’t have a heart, does she? No more than him, no more than Roxas, no more than anyone else in the castle. That hardly deters her from acting like she has one, and he can’t decide if that’s disturbing or inspiring. 

No one’s telling her how to behave, no ones injecting poison and ink into her in a lab and laughing when they discover she can feel pain.

No one’s asking her to fade herself out to feel less, but she wakes up screaming again, and he’s got to kiss her hair and squeeze her waist and remind her in graphic detail where she is, and that he’s here, and she’s safe. 

Maybe it's safer to feel nothing at all, to brush the blackness out and scrape by and just play the fucking game like he used to. For himself, for her, for the four of them and the nights chasing sunsets he's worried he’ll never get back. 

Axel hasn’t at all since Xion went into her coma. Every time he closes his eyes he sees that eerily placid face, looking more doll like each day, her hair flickering from wispy and blonde like Namine’s to short and black until the alteration of the image makes his head ache. Saix tells him not to worry about ‘it’. It. Like his friend doesn’t warrant pronouns. If there were secrets kept before, now Saix builds civilizations with them, and each step Axel takes to protect Rueki and two children leads him further from the man who used to be his best friend.

What twisted world would rip her away and then make him choose?

Axel’s haggard, face drawn, gaunt, bags under his eyes until he thinks he looks like a ghoul, a demon, a hanged man than anything alive.

He and Rueki are on recon in Wonderland, he’s watching her inspect a table with mismatched tea sets on it when something inside him snaps. Clicks and pops out of place, and then he’s got her bent over the massive table, but she just sighs and whispers praise.

“Is this good?” He asks her. He’s inside of her, he’s not actually aware of the sensation he’s supposed to feel, but likes the way she looks with her head thrown back. This has got to count of something, this has got to align something again inside both of them. She’s gonna be okay, he’s gonna be okay, they’re gonna heal. 

“Yes, Axel don’t stop!” She begs. “Yes, baby, please.” And he wants to lose himself in her, in those words. He wants to hold and touch and love her and promise her the world, promise that he’ll be here, but he can’t climb back down to reality, can’t force himself up the rungs of that ladder. He just watches her, watches them, watches the world begin to crash and the pieces of the memories they built fall apart.

He can't evaporated escape his shortcomings, he can't escape the way that they're crashing and burning, falling from heaven like a meteor, like her ship. 

Rueki’s a Nobody, Rueki can’t love him, Rueki can’t need him. Rueki shouldn’t be so broken because she can’t feel anything so why is she and why is he too?

“Do you love me, Rueki?” She can’t, she can’t but he needs her to.

“Yes!” She pants.

“Am I enough?” He knows that he’s not, and he doesn’t actually know if he’s making it better or worse to hear her lie to him, but she does, swears that he’s always enough. His hands go numb, he doesn’t just stop trying to climb back up the ladder, he releases it and lets himself freefall. “I’m not enough. How can I not protect you and fucking Roxas can? How do you keep falling apart and I can’t fucking save you?” He doesn’t realize he’s screaming the words, even as his volume fills the air, until Rueki demands he stop. That, he registers.

His dick slips out of her, soft, flaccid, incapable.

“It didn’t happen?” She asks and looks at him like it’s her fault. Like she’s the one in the wrong. Like she’s the one who led him, empty and cold, and dead, like some demented pet, though hell. Like she’s the one who gaslit and made him believe that he was wrong for the feelings he knows he had. What’s wrong with him, how was he stupid enough to believe every lie that was ever shoveled in his mouth? He doesn’t have a heart, but maybe he doesn’t need to. Fuck it. She doesn’t, and she feels and he’s seen it. He’s seen it in the flash in her eyes and the tears that fall from him. In the set of her pout and the words she screams from that pretty mouth. She loves him. He doesn’t doubt that, above all other things, that’s Axel’s truth.

Suddenly, the tea party is up in flames, and she’s crossing them, bracing herself through the smoke as fire dances around her.

He did this. He--

He’s a monster.

“I have to get out of here.” He chokes, all but folding into her arms.

“We have to get out of here.” She corrects. And she cleans up his mess, fixes what he broke, heals what he destroyed.

There is no world in this realm, in which he could ever deserve her. And it’s right here, right like this, after slipping into the blackness of a portal they found reprieve in, her hand laced through his, that Axel understands a singular truth.

It doesn’t matter if they have hearts or not. Rueki’s has seen damage at his hand, he’s never going to be the man who cleans it up if he doesn’t clean himself up. His own heart is going to be worthless if it’s plagued by mercy he refuses to grant and games he hates being good at playing. He needs her twice as much as she could ever need him. He trusts her with his very soul.

Because he loves her. Loves her so much that it punctures his chest, pounds up his throat, drums at his temples, begs for attention. It needs to be said, it needs to be screamed into the stats, she needs it played like a song on repeat, she deserves it.

He loves her. Nothing else matters. Twilight help him, Axel loves Rueki.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey friends! Little recap on what's going on in this chapter: Rueki, with Demyx's help, just got away from The Castle That Never Was, only to find Axel in Radiant Garden. The two were quickly intercepted by Saix, who just got done doing his little torturing bit to Rueki, and now, while they're taking shelter in the mansion in Twilight Town, Rueki sleeps and Axel thinks

V.

How can he love someone and put them through this? Axel wonders if ever a day will come that he’ll stop taking responsibility for the things that harm Rueki. He wonders if he ever should.

It’s her body, spent and tattered next to him. She sleeps worse than ever and he thinks that this has to be the end. Maybe not here and now, in the old mansion, where she’s finally crashed, exhausted from an afternoon spent clinging to him, fucking each other senselss. He’d like to brand it love making, but he can’t even call it that. There’s no love in desperation, in fear, in knowing full damn well that the world is raining ash and soot and decay on them. They don’t get to crawl out of this, he realizes.

Well, realized when she whispered Saix’s name and he saw the man with his own two eyes in Radiant Garden. Their home. The place all three of them grew up in. He saw the gleaming gold in Saix’s eyes and registered no remorse in their gaze. Whatever’s left of Isa is dead, and appears to have been for longer than he’s realized it.

Rueki sobs in her sleep, Axel doesn’t sleep at all still, just runs his hands through her long hair, working out tangles with his fingers, until she hums, still unconscious, but able to register some of the physical pleasure of being touched without pain, held without chains. 

For some reason, when he thought of everything ending, he imagined a heart beaming in his chest, he imagined closing his eyes and thinking that his life had been one hell of an adventure. When he met Rueki, that feeling turned to stone, concrete in his heart, solidifying enough weight to keep him steady. Now, he’s laying beside her and whispering promises he can’t keep and he sees a very different end.

Axel’s eyes are open wide. Open wide and clear while Rueki sleeps beside him, whining, begging someone in a soft, muffled voice to stop, to not hurt her.

Rueki flinches into him. He clutches her a little tighter, feeling the weight of the dark circles as they settle deeper beneath his eyes and he realizes how this has to go. This is the only way that things change. In a world of possibilities, this is the only one that can lead either of them home. It’s not the happy ending they dreamed about on the beach, it’s not magic, it’s hardly a solution.

But it’s the only way he knows he can close this cycle of violence, end the circuit and force someone’s hand. Vexen’s research notes, the details he sifted through in Castle Oblivion were convoluted, his eyes swam with the repetition at the time, but now, his brain welcomes the monotony.

‘It is not confirmed that the natural end for a Nobody is death. In fact, it is far more likely that their hearts will be returned to Kingdom Hearts, and once that is completed, such beings might be rendered complete as well.’

Of course Vexen’s research wasn't released to other members. Of course Xemnas wouldn’t have wanted anyone to find this out and at the time Axel had swallowed the pill because who knew which of Vexen's crackpot theories meant anything? 

It doesn't matter now if the ideas are speculation, it doesn't matter if they are the ramblings of a madman. He remembers reading through massive heaps of Vexen’s notes, including a ‘truth about Namine’ that was unclear and vague and didn’t help him uncover any truth beyond the girl’s powers not making sense for a Nobody, but it doesn’t matter. Axel thinks he wants to scream, but he doesn’t. What’s it going to do anyway, how has lighting up the world ever changed things for them?

He remembers thinking how Roxas was the hero Rueki deserved and he wants to laugh. He wishes he could pull their best friend aside, sling an arm around his shoulder and tease. Axel gets to be the hero now, Axel gets to save the day. Damn shame it’s going to cost everything and then some.

Rueki presses her cheek into his chest and finally sighs. He’s going to miss this. Maybe not though, maybe there will be nothing waiting for him on the other side. He knows if he woke her up and asked her right now what the afterlife would look like, she’d blink heavy eyes at him, tell him there is none and that he’s being stupid, and probably order him to go back to sleep. But these moments are precious, he doesn’t want to waste them with the heavy lids and the drooping brain, wilting away inside his skull. Every last second he spends not cherishing this, is just one lost.

A man deserves kindness on his deathbed. Knowing full well that ending himself, that meeting an end in a way that saves Roxas, that saves Rueki, that unravels every plan in Xemnas’ arsenal and then some, well, Axel would like to say there’s a comfort in it. Maybe there is, but it’s cold, and he’d take it for granted in a second. 

Girls love a redeemed bad boy. No wonder he tricked the most perfect thing in this realm into falling for him. With every breath that he’s worth, he knows this is for the best. He makes promises in his head as to how things will go for her when he’s gone. She’ll rise up, she’ll stand at Roxas’ side, they will take back their hearts, and if he keeps up his lucky streak, she’ll restore his.

It’s a gamble, it’s a chance in hell, there’s no way they’re going to make it. But their fuse is burning anyway. Funny, Axel knew they were on borrowed time from the beginning, he just expected the end to be internal. 

He’s gonna miss ice cream. He’s going to miss the sunset. He’s going to miss the waves and the sand and the sound of her laugh. He’s going to miss her skin and the crackling way she smells and the warmth of her reassurance when he needs it most and deserves it least. He’s going to miss the pages of books they tore through. He thinks of the future, the one they promised each other on the beach. A house in Twilight Town, or maybe just following each other into one explosion after another. A tear slips down his cheek that he shouldn’t be able to cry. And then another. And then another.

It’s hard to fight the heaviness when your eyes are dry from sobbing. But he does for just long enough to look at her again, watch her sleep one more time, kiss her temple without her asking why.

It’s okay, he tells himself. It’s okay. He wants to be a better man. He’s finally going to get the chance to.


	6. Chapter 6

VI.

He wakes up with his face to an ice cold floor and a hot ache in his middle, like he’s spent the past six months dangling just over hell’s fire. 

Groaning sounds off around him. He’s about to tell Rueki to go back to sleep and hold her close, but as he reaches out, his arms close around nothing. His mind’s alert but his body isn’t. His lashes brush his cheekbones and he wants to roll back over and sleep for lifetimes. But someone calls his name, someone he’s sick to see.

Zexion.

“I can’t get Even to his feet, but he seems quite weak, can you help me?” 

Axel can, but he looks at the broken body of the old man in a labcoat and registers something. Good ole’ Vexen, the research was right. He catches sight of his reflection in the mirror. The marks beneath his eyes are gone. He hears the puncturing sound of blood pumping life through his body, through his vein, into his heart.

Even. So that’s Ienzo, pleading for help.

So he’s Lea. He’s Lea.

The relief is a fist to his abdomen, he’s gutted and elated and can’t catch his breath, but he moves as quickly as he can to help Ienzo lift Even onto a lab table. With a grunt, Even sighs against the sterile equipment and Lea’s washed his hands of the body he put in this position. His eyes catch Ienzo’s. They catch Aeleus’. They know. He’s sick.

“Ienzo…” He begins but Ienzo puts a hand up, the single, visible, blue eye on the younger man ice cold and quite calculating. It’s not like they were ever friendly before they were Nobodies, there are no pleasant memories, no remnants that might warrant forgiveness.

“I’d really rather you save it, hmm?” Ienzo says and Lea clears his throat, looking pointedly away to hide the shame that washes across his features.

Why would anyone in this room trust him? He’s the piece of shit who cackled to himself and demanded they put on enough of a show to entertain him. His throat is tight. He’s not the man he was, but that shadow is impossible to escape. 

“She didn’t have anything to do with it, you know?” His name is soiled, but as memories returned, as the things he repressed became concrete again, he remembers innocence. A little boy and girl eating ice cream as the boy reads over research notes he’s expected to but doesn’t understand. 

“If you’re referring to Rueki, it was quite clear to anyone with eyes that you were coercing her.” Ienzo grumbles, brushing imaginary dust off the lapels of his coat. “Well, clear to everyone but her.”

“You two used to be friends, didn’t you?” Lea asks, Ienzo just makes this small, unconvinced noise. “I didn’t remember. I mean her face looked familiar, but everything else was just…” He chews on his lips.

“Shrouded.” Ienzo murmurs. 

“Yeah.” Lea agrees. “Uh--after Oblivion, I started to remember. When this world fell I tried to save her. Guess I failed.”

“So she was a Nobody.” The tiniest smile flicks across Ienzo’s face. He moves to a book on a shelf, pulls it out, reads a passage, hums and shoves it back. “Aeleus, I think the wisest choice for Dilan and Even is to tether them to an Elixir IV. We can dilute it so they don’t get ill, but I think it would be prudent until they’re strong enough to move on their own, would you mind procuring some from town, for me?”

Aeleus looks at Ienzo like he’s done well, lost his mind, and then up to Lea, like he’s the creature that lurked beneath the bed, manifested. Lea rolls his eyes and cards his hand through his hair.

“Look, what’s a guy gotta do to show that he isn’t an asshole anymore?” He sighs.

“More than exonerate your girlfriend.” Aeleus mutters. A smile cracks across Ienzo’s face, something clever and mischievous, like some sort of dark elf. 

“Aeleus is right, perhaps you could begin by reorganizing this lab, it’s a complete disaster.” Ienzo shakes his head. Lea casts the younger man an exasperated look. 

“Look...Ienzo…” He mutters.

“She isn’t here.” Aeleus says quickly. The blood drains right the fuck out of Lea’s face. He pinches his eye shut, sucks a deep breath through his nose and goes through the motions again. She died after him. He started fading on the clock tower before her, she might not even have reformed yet.

What if she doesn’t, ever?

No, that’s a stupid question. If everyone else is reforming, then she will too. But there are three others pointedly missing. No Braig, no Xehanort…

“What about the others?” Lea lifts a thin eyebrow, looking around the room in vain as though the harder he stares at the tiles in the floor, the more likely his old friend is to reform. Didn’t he give up on Saix? Didn’t he stare into lifeless golden eyes for the last time, didn’t he plead with a man content to take out his past on the woman he loves, for nothing? Could any of Lea’s pleas ever have mattered? When Rueki revealed that Isa had seen him protecting her the night the world fell, he’d decided easily that he’d been fighting a losing battle with someone who wanted him to pay back a debt he didn’t know he owed. But was that a cop out? Was that the easy answer to the problem of knowing if he held Isa a little tighter, that boy would not have become the man who laid a hand on his girlfriend? Was he looking for an excuse to absolve guilt, guilt that’s been there this whole time.

Funny, having a heart now, he expected whatever toxicity was festering inside his chest would eat him alive. But it’s no different. It’s the same cloud cover, it’s the blackness at the edges of his thought, it’s the penance he still feels obligated to seek.

Maybe starting with this fucking lab.

“We’ve not seen a trace of them. But while you restore my lab, I’ll look around.” Ienzo nods. Lea rolls his eyes. If Rueki were here, she’d have such a fucking shitty comment to make.

So Ienzo searches the lab, Aeleus searches the town, and Lea is on cleanup duty, head running through hoops, leaping through scenarios. He’s already jittery, his hands start to feel too massive for his body, clumsy and clattering as he replaces books on shelves. His mind is starting to spin a million miles a minute.

She’s got to be in Transmute City, he tells himself, and that’s not a bad place for her to be. Del and Amaya will straight up hold her down and stop her from doing anything absolutely insane--which he knows very well that his girlfriend is good for.

But then, what if she isn’t? He’s not sure where else she would be but his mind keeps flashing, like a strobe light, images of her body, mutilated at the hands of someone he once called best friend. Lea’s face is starting to get hot, he hates feeling so fucking useless, and though he’s supposed to be picking up, his brain’s starting to turn to lava. He takes the book in his hands and chucks it right at the shelf across the room, effectively knocking down another massive bit of research. He groans loudly, shaking his head.

“Didn’t I ask you to clean?” Ienzo asks as he comes back, with no trace of Rueki or Isa behind him.

“Yeah, yeah, sorry.” Lea mutters, because he’s not confessing to Ienzo that without having the power to actively keep Rueki safe he’s having a minor meltdown. He’s not confessing that he wishes he could bring Isa close, shake the shit out of him and hug him and just--

Can kindness be enough? Can loving his best friend be enough? Was it that Saix wasn’t loved enough, Lea knows that he wasn’t until Rueki came along, what would be different if Saix had someone like her? If they found their friend with the black hair? A thousand scenarios play out too fast for Lea’s mind to keep up with, he’s borderline manic, feeling like a caffeine overdose. His heart is pumping blood so fast through his body he hears it roaring and almost breaks down from the exhilaration. 

His heart. 

He has a heart again, whatever happens next, the rest of it will be okay. He finds his way to the book shelf, he picks up the book he threw, then the other book, then said heart nearly stops.

The open page of the notes that fell to the floor, is littered with a litany of names.

He sees all of theirs. Everyone in Organization XIII. His is crossed off. Axel’s is, at least. But there are names he doesn’t recognize, some of them circled.

Vanitas, Terra. Riku, there’s a name he recognizes but it is crossed off, just like his. 

Saix is circled, his gut twists. 

Rueki’s name is there too, though it is one of the few that is neither crossed out, nor circled. He doesn’t like the implications of that, doesn’t like them one bit.

“What is it?” Ienzo asks him, seeing the palpable horror that he can’t hide on his face. Ienzo takes massive steps over to him, for how much shorter he is, snatches the book out of Lea’s hands like he knows no fear then gasps. “Oh. Oh dear.”

“Why is his name circled?” Lea asks, brow creasing. “Why is her name there?”

“I--” Ienzo stutters. “That, I don’t know.”

“I have to find them.” Lea chokes.

“That you do.” Ienzo agrees.

He does not need further permission.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey ya'll, welcome to another chapter! So you guys know, this takes place sometime before Rueki and Lea reunite in 'From The Ashes', probably around the time she's adventuring with Kairi, obviously around the time he's searching for Isa. Hope ya'll enjoy!

VII.

Lea takes his first steps outside of Radiant Garden.

Lea, not Axel, Lea.

The missing letter punctures his chest with the type of force that bites at his mind, at the corners of eyes, tears threaten to prick out.

He knows who would have something to say about the marks missing beneath his eyes

The same person who mutilated his girlfriend. The same person who led her to the slaughter. The same person he has been chasing endlessly after for over a month now. 

All Lea has to do is backtrack, he tells himself. It’ll be easy. He and Isa have always been in the same book but never on the same page. They fade like day and night, chasing each other from one chapter to another, so the logic should stand, that if Lea thinks in reverse, he’ll be set, right? 

So, what would someone who used the drifting in their friendship to develop a hatred for Rueki and Roxas, and an affinity for Xemnas and darkness be doing, right now? Lea swears, if he could go back in time, he’d grab his and Isa’s freshly Nobodied selves by the ear, and toss them as far away in the realm from Xemnas and his icky jobs, as one could get. So, basically Transmute City. 

It is strange, Lea thinks, even after departing Transmute City, for this world--for one of many that Isa could be hiding in. How Rueki could’ve possibly ended up there is beyond strange. It’s almost like some trick of fate is trying to keep them apart, the way it is now. Lea’s never missed anything the way he misses sea green eyes and unbrushed hair.

“Fucking. Hate. This. Place.” Lea huffs between breaths, through a bamboo thicket, catching eyes with a gorilla that almost looks like it understands him. He wonders if the thing’s gonna try to fight him, like the fucking leopard in this world always seems to want to. Instead, the gorilla makes a noise and walks away, leaving Lea sighing as he sets a huge hand on his slim hips. 

Suddenly, he hears rustling, and all of his senses become wildly alert. Lea thought that wherever Isa was, he’d be hiding. The idea of a surprise attack never crossed his mind. Perhaps it should’ve.

From within the trees, a loud, rampant thing comes barrelling out. Lea calls his Chakrams, both hands at the ready, wheels around and--

And puts a brightly burning Keyblade straight through some massive Heartless. It disappears in a burst of darkness, releasing the heart it carried, but the heart beating now inside Lea stops. 

He looks down at his hands, at the perfectly balanced blade resting in one of them. Flame Liberator. The sword’s name is a mantra spoken at the edges of his consciousness. His eyes widen, he reaches for the flames, which are hot and flickering but somehow quite solid as the sword’s blade. He reaches and--

And like it never happened, the Keyblade disappears and Eternal Flame reappears in his hands. He blinks staring down at them, casts them away then flicks his wrists, contemplating that beautiful Keyblade. Eternal Flame appears once more, Lea groans, disperses it, then calls for the Keyblade once more. No dice. Fuck, if he didn’t have the vivid image of those flickering flames at the hilt burned into his memory--memorized--he’d have believed he made up the whole incident.

“She’s never gonna believe me.” Lea whispers to himself, already imagining Rueki, a hand on her hip, rolling those vivid eyes.

Unless she has one of her own. Unless Isa has one of his own. Lea doesn’t know what thought is more petrifying. He retrieves a small journal and a pen from an inner pocket of his coat, and starts writing, too damn mesmerized to do anything else. 

‘You’ll never believe what happened,

I’m at the edge of some world that is just teaming with darkness. Maybe it’s an odd side effect of all the time I spent as a Nobody, maybe you can feel it too, but all it takes is one look and I know right away if a world is polluted by darkness. And this world? Oh, it reeked. So here I am, searching, calling for Isa, hoping whatever darkness here can be stopped if I can just get through to my friend. Some Heartless appear, no big deal. Nothing that hasn’t happened before. But I call for my weapon and something else appears in my hand.

A Keyblade. Flame Liberator.

I don’t know how I know that’s it’s name, I just do. It’s only in my hand for about a second, but I can tell it is perfectly balanced in my hand, just the kind of weapon I’d want. And then, it’s gone and my Chakrams are back. I’d have sworn it was a dream, I haven’t slept for shit without you. But I can’t shake that feeling of how perfectly the blade rested in my hand.

Can you imagine, me, with a Keyblade?

Maybe you can. Maybe it’s not so unreal, maybe you’ve got one of your own. I could only imagine you, swinging one around, you’re already your own special force of nature without any extra help. I wonder if that’s how you fight away the darkness that used to keep you up.

So, I’m sitting here now, and I’m no closer to finding Isa, and maybe I should get up and do something about it, but I just keep thinking about you and your nightmares. Are you sleeping? Are you warm and safe? Do you have a place you want to rest your head?

Do you have someone else holding you close?

I don’t know what I hate more, the thought of you searching desperately for me, or the thought of you having someone else, someone that hasn’t broken you down.

Maybe this fucking Keyblade is the secret to fixing all of that. I mean, aren’t they meant to fight against the darkness, only those with the strongest hearts are meant to hold one, right? So who the hell bequeathed me one somewhere along the line?

And more importantly, how do I keep this thing around, to fight away any more shadows that make a move for your heart? I know you don’t remember it, but I do. The night our world fell, that was the last thing I saw, that Neo Shadow taking your heart.

And that is just something that is never going to happen again, got it memorized?  
-Yours, Lea.’

He clicks the pen at the edge of the journal, sucks in a breath and grins down at it. Pride is what he feels, he realizes. Excitement, pleasure. He has a heart. He has a sword made for fighting off darkness. The insecurities that used to lick at the edges of his mind, as teasingly as the flames of a candle, now feel warm and tantalizing. He’s been dealt shitty hands before, he wonders what the punchline to this joke is and hopes so bad that it isn’t him. How many times did he wish that Rueki would find her some type of hero to make up for what he dragged her--kicking and screaming--through? Something somewhere in the realm, is trying damn hard to make him said hero.

His eyes find a bright yellow-orange flower, a spiky thing he’s only seen in these jungle worlds, a strelitzia, he thinks it’s called. 

Not that Rueki’s the type to swoon over heroics, anyone who expects gushing gratitude from her over some sort of hero of light, over some sort of fairy tale savior, does not know Rueki at all. But he does, and the prospect of no more nightmares turns Lea’s heart into a hummingbird, excited, fluttering. 

Maybe something in this realm is on his side, after all.


	8. Chapter 8

VIII.

The seventh circle of hell is asking your girlfriend’s godfather for his blessing in proposing to her, when your dumb ass spent your childhood antagonizing her.

Lea--Axel?--Lea, has every instance replaying in his mind, of a soaking wet blonde girl coming out of the fountain, pouting and stomping her feet like a cartoon character. Not that she didn’t deserve getting pushed in. half the time, but there’s something in the way that Cid’s toothpick is clamped between his teeth that says Lea’s reasoning doesn’t matter.

“So me and Rueki…” Lea starts, because he doesn’t know how to keep his big, stupid mouth shut and he’s afraid if he’s quiet around Cid too long he might explode. 

“We gotta do this, boy?” Cid grumbles, looking eerily like Rueki for just a second. It’s almost tricky to believe that the two aren’t biologically related from the blond hair and shitty demeanor alone. 

“Probably should. She’d like it.” Lea offers. “Mostly to see me squirm, she’s got a hellish sense of humor.” He shakes his head and casts his green gaze down, unsurprised when Cid hasn’t softened at all. 

“Takes after her mother.” Is all Cid mutters in reply. “You know, kid I got a memory like an elephant.”

There’s no amount of getting it memorized jokes that will make Lea feel like he’s not crawling out of his own skin.

“Yeah, I didn’t really have my best foot forward in this whole thing, huh?” Lea asks, brow coming together.

“Would swatting you off with a baseball bat keep you gone for good?” Cid asks. Lea chokes and Cid laughs and this doesn’t feel too bad, that has to count for something. 

“Eh, not really. I kinda like that woman. Don’t tell her I told you, the ego on her is already impossible.” Lea rolls his eyes, then realizes that Cid maybe isn’t in on how bad the two dog each other, but to Lea’s surprise, Cid chuckles.

“Funny, she said the same damn thing about you.” Cid admits, blue eyes flicking up as they cut through a path toward the main square in town. A quick errand and some need for directions around the rebuilt town was the excuse that Lea used, but he’s already beginning to wonder if Cid’s seen through that. If the old man was reading his mind, he could at least have the courtesy to speak up, save Lea a damn heart attack. A heart attack that he can actually have now. A massive hand skims over his heart; for a second, he’s jealous of Rueki. Even if she knew she was a Nobody, there was never a moment where she doubted having a heart, not the way he did, not with the aching pulse in the back of his head, a nagging reminder for what should have been beating in his chest.

“Great minds and all.” Lea shrugs.

“Don’t rope yourself in with a great mind, I remember you trying to sneak into the castle still.” Cid shoots him an unpleasant look that has Lea cringing. Fuck, fuck, fuck, okay, reel it in, this conversation is a minefield, but not one he can’t necessarily navigate.

“Yeah, I was a dumb kid. I’m glad her and I lost each other all those years, otherwise I sure would’ve blown it. If I’m being completely honest, I’m lucky she still even talks to me. I blew it plenty of times. She acts like she’s some sort of vindictive brat, but she’s probably the most forgiving person I know.” Lea admits, though his mind settles into a thought he’s trying like hell to avoid. Isa, the look in Rueki’s eyes in the throne room, ‘this is for me’. Wasn’t Axel’s death supposed to mark the end of the cycle of violence? Wasn’t it supposed to mean something? Pointedly not to the two he was trying to give meaning to. Isa’s a nightmare now, a face he can’t get out of his mind, a scream that will never stop ringing, chiming like a clock every hour on the hour. Lea wants to be optimistic enough to believe his friend can crawl back home, but he’s never been good at the optimist thing. And Isa’s never been good about admitting he was wrong. It’s probably a good thing the blue haired male is actually right nine times out of ten. And speaking of an inability to admit one is wrong, Lea would straight up rather cut off an arm than have this inner monologue come out around Rueki.

No secrets this time, right. 

Part of him wishes she actually did kiss Xigbar, then her fucked up ideals of justice might give him a free pass when finally he must take her hands in his and tell her that he’s dragging his childhood friend home and she needs to be okay with that.

As quickly as the thought comes up, Lea shoves it into a box and kicks said box to the curb. Rueki is it for him, he’s lucky they’re together. He’s not going to fuck this conversation up by panicking about the future, that he’s still capable of compartmentalizing. 

“I’m not happy I lost her for a fucking decade…” Cid grumbles, blue eyes growing cloudy as they flick through the ground. “I lose her parents and some six, seven, whatever years later I lose her?” Cid kicks a pebble across the brick roads, face crumbling momentarily before he clears his throat and fixes his expression into something still miserable but less vulnerable. “What the hell happened to her, kid? Because she won’t say a damn word on how she ended up with those scars and those kind of injuries...that ain’t…”

Fuck. The goddamn lump has returned to Lea’s throat, which he clears to fend off tears. He can practically hear Isa’s mockery in his head. Lea doesn’t have the marks beneath his eyes anymore, but he sure does need them now.

“We got involved with a nasty group. Organization XIII.” Lea confesses.

“Oh, that group Sora was fighting.” Cid recalls, and Lea nods.

“You remember Isa?” Lea asks.

“That little shit blue haired kid you used to play with?” Cid asks, Lea nods. “Sure, you two were attached at the hip.”

“And we stayed that way for a while. Neither of us did really good after the world fell to darkness. We were apprentices and all and we got intercepted by some asshole pretending to be our old boss. Isa did a lot of dirty things to make sure we were untouchable. I didn’t realize along the way he became something dark until I wanted out and he didn’t. He took that out on Rueki.” Lea murmurs.

“And you let that happen?” Cid scoffs, defensive hatred flashing across his features. 

“No!” Lea shakes his head. “I...dammit.” He sighs. “I wasn’t around, Rueki lost her heart too, I was just trying to fix that for us, I didn’t plan for her to have to fight my battles for me I just…” Lea doesn’t know what he ‘just’, but he comes up empty every damn time he opens his mouth and that makes him want to scream. Think, speak, find words, he wills himself. He can’t ask this man’s blessing in one breath and admit to being the reason Rueki is so broken in the next, but that was never the intention. The intention, from the very beginning, has only been to keep her safe. Lea didn’t realize back then that he is the sun, and holding her too tight will burn her up. “She was screaming every night, she didn’t sleep, I was watching her fall apart and the more broken she became, the more I watched someone downright fucking evil, think he could use her. I thought the only way to keep her safe was to get her the hell away from me while I did the hard stuff, while I got my hands dirty one more time. I’d never...I wouldn’t lay a hand on her, I seriously love Rueki. But I fucked up, and I’m lucky she still speaks to me.”

A strained, pregnant beat squeaks through the fog thick tension between them.

“Well, love makes you do stupid things.” Lea doesn’t know whether Cid’s words mark permission or blame, but the fire is blazing, there’s no going back now.

“I want to marry her.” Lea spits the words like he can’t wait to get them out of his mouth, but the second he does, he wants to reel them in, like if they stay in his head, the thought can be pure and safe and he can protect it and the woman he loves, in tandem.

But Cid’s already looking at him with wide eyes, and Lea might still have plenty to learn, but regret is something he’s long since stopped chasing.

“I love her so much. I really know I don’t deserve her, I haven’t been a good person. But I have been trying so hard to be. Every morning, I get up and think about how I’m gonna be the type of man she needs. I get up and I have to shed who I was yesterday, every damn day and it’s left me raw and it’s so easy to just go back and let it all heal over. But then I look at her and I remember why I don’t want to be that man anymore.” Lea shakes his head. “I’m uh...I’m still really struggling to get this new person I’m trying to be, memorized. But I love your goddaughter a lot. And I’d really like to keep trying to make her happy, every day for this life and the next.”

“Are you actually asking my permission, or are you gonna do this regardless of what I have to say?” Cid finally settles, setting both hands on his hips. There’s a correct answer to this, but Lea misses the mark altogether.

“Both.” Lea answers. “You think I wanna deal with the headache of her finding out, ten years from now, the reason I haven’t wifed her up is because you slapped my wrists? She’d kick my ass...she can already kick my ass now, come to think of it…” Come to think of the fact that he has a hard time summoning his Keyblade on command and she’s not just an alchemist anymore, but a magician. While he’s been scouting around the realm left and right, she took on another trade. He’s absolutely fucked.

“Well, as long as you know that.” Cid reaches up to clap his shoulder. “Whatcha got picked out for her?”

Oh.

“Um...I haven’t really gotten that far…” Lea admits, to which Cid just shakes his head.

“Well you ain’t getting her some cubic zirconia bullshit, you saved up any munny, boy?” Cid harps, and the answer is yes, but when your previous life’s salary is room and board in a shitty castle with shitty people, how do you determine what to spend on the woman you’re gonna marry?

“I’ll get her what I get her!” Lea rolls his eyes. “Are we talking about the same woman here? Rueki doesn’t know how to not get injured, I should probably just get her forty two plastic rings and just replace them every time she dings up something.”

Cid’s quiet for a long moment. Lea grew up with Isa, with Xemnas, he knows how to stomach eerie silence. But with Cid, it’s hardly the same.

“You might just have a point there.” And with that, Cid leads the way into town, to a Moogle owned jewelry store.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who almost forgot to post this?
> 
> With Up In Flames being on a short hiatus, I've been busting ass working on that, and my jobs have both been so busy this week, let me tell you guys I'm happy I did the deep editing for this weeks ago.
> 
> Now this chapter doesn't actually exist in 'From The Ashes', at least not in the text. It was done more as a character study, it's still canon, it still happened, we just haven't seen this scene from Rueki's point of view. It takes place right after her and Aqua promise to take care of Ven and Kairi if the other dies in battle, but before they arrive in the Keyblade Graveyard, so basically at a chapter break. 
> 
> Anyhow, I liked writing Lea and Rueki loving each other, since the main story line isn't exactly happy for them right now and am pretty happy with how this came out, I hope you guys enjoy it too!

IX.

It’s the day of the war, and the duality between Rueki and Isa is more striking than ever.

He won’t say this to her, were he capable of voicing it through the spiderwebs dread has woven through his throat. She’d leave him again. 

When Lea wakes, Rueki has already long since risen. She nurses a mug of steaming coffee, still too hot to drink, freshly washed hair dripping down her back as she stares out the window on their floor in the tower.

“Morning, sweetheart.” He sweeps an arm around her waist. Master Yen Sid is just outside the balcony of the floor, talking to Riku. Ven is still snoring and Kairi and Sora are twisted in embrace so innocent but so intimate even in sleep. Aqua’s missing, Rueki hums in response, gaze still trained as far away from him as she can manage, as though if he meets her eyes, some wicked truth will be imprinted on his mind, something she’s convinced she’s protecting him from.

The problem is, it’s Rueki. Half the time he watches an expression flicker across her face and knows why with just the slightest twinge of her eyes. Anything she could possibly utter, he’d have already pieced together.

Rueki is remarkably bright, sharp and intuitive. But Rueki is also naive. Painfully innocent and clinging to her own laws of justice in her head. The world is inherently unfair, Lea long ago gave hope his suffering will amount to payoff, up. But Rueki’s brewing misery in her own mind, like it’s earning her bonus points with the powers that be--powers that she claims not to believe in.

In her eyes, almost the same color, he sees a little boy, heart crippled, body trembling at the edge of the cell of a friend he should have saved. He sees Isa’s childlike determination, untainted. Lea sees it and understands the danger in it. 

He kisses Rueki’s temple, but she’s statuesque. 

“Talk to me.” He urges. She shrugs, vapid and unenthused. “Come on, Rueks. It’s me.” Me. It’s meant many different things and has enough abridging in the margins. It meant lover, it meant boyfriend. Today, it means fiance but before anything else, it meant partner. In and out of Shibuya. He listens to her pulse, pounding through the blood roaring in her temples, and he’s thankful for it. For the heart beating in her chest.

“Go back to sleep, I haven’t had my coffee.” She mutters. 

“And who’s the one up at the crack of dawn?” He’s unflinching. But he couldn’t love this woman and have a hesitant heart. “You sleep at all last night?”

“I don’t know.” She admits, honesty carrying immense weight as three words thud off her lips. There’s fragility in her faraway stare, and he’s reminded of one too many sunsets with Isa, the blue haired boy calculating quietly, planning, scheming endlessly. One way or another, he wouldn’t hear that girl’s screams in the moonlight, one way or another they’d get into that castle. “I don’t want you to die.” She forces the words out with effort that appears to strain about as much as childbirth. 

“I’m not going anywhere.” He promises her for probably the thousandth time in the past twenty four hours. Not like she isn’t valid, Lea can admit that. And from his significant other with masochist tendencies, he’d love to hear the same. 

“Kay.” She just says, unconvinced and cynical at all costs. 

“Rueks, I wouldn’t have put this on your finger if I didn’t plan on making it to the vows.” His fingers, long and thick, massive compared to hers, trace the ring sitting on her left hand. Her shoulders go rigid beneath him.

“I don’t want to do this, I don’t want to fight this. I just want it to be done.” She spits the words like they’re acid on her tongue, weakness she’ll share with no one else. Lea’s fingers close around her hand and the rigidity in her shoulders finally breaks, caves in ways she only will around him and only when he presses against the soft underbelly she tries hard not to show--but Rueki, for all of her snark, is the single softest, most fragile person he knows. Just like Isa, exactly like Isa. “I just want to run away.”

He doesn’t realize then, what started as an errand suggestion from Roxas has become her lifeblood, her crutch. 

He doesn’t realize then, that for all her pleading with him to make it through, she’s already written a goodbye to Cid and will to Del and Amaya before any of this begins.

Lea doesn’t realize it, but the duality between her and Isa runs bone deep, runs in their current, in their marrow. The two are made of the same ingredients and in the dimness of dawn, just before a sunrise, Lea doesn’t see the harshness in his fiance.

It’s only when she puts her blade into the abdomen of a wounded man, just to feel the life come out of him, that he realizes. She turns to him, having taken revenge like a shot, no question, no feeling and he sees the same thing that frightened him in Isa years ago.

“Let’s go home.”

He sees the life leave her eyes, but her body keeps moving.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there friends! Here's another chapter that doesn't actually exist within the main story, but kind of fills in the gap between when Rueki and Lea went on their run the morning of going to the Destiny Islands with the whole crew (you know, when Kairi came back to life) and actually going to the beach. Like I've said before, I'm writing these softer scenes because 1, I love a good drabble and 2, the main story is more intense and dramatic now, I think it's a really enjoyable break for all parties when we get the whole Twilight Family being soft like this.

X.

In a year that’s come and gone like a led balloon, Lea sometimes wonders how he still wakes up in the morning. 

Rueki throws herself across their front lawn, flamboyant and extra as he adores her. She’s beat red, downright dripping sweat. She looks just shy of miserable, but she cracks a smile, elated and high on endorphins and adrenaline.

“That was terrible, why’d you make me go that extra mile?” She whines, like she’s not thankful and like Lea can’t almost read her mind. He sinks down in the grass beside her, on his stomach and kisses her temple, which is still cooler than his lips. She swats him away, scrunching up her face. “Dude, I’m ten thousand degrees.”

But then as he gets up to stretch, she bounces to her feet, leans up on her toes and puts a kiss on his jaw. It’s all the thanks he’s ever needed, but it still feels like a dream, like a secondhand fantasy that he’s bound to wake up from.

“You’re the one who wanted to go for a run, sweetheart.” He reminds her, stretching down to his toes. He’s not even slightly surprised when Rueki claps his ass and squeezes, in fact, he’d probably be disappointed if she didn’t. She sinks down onto the ground, stretching her legs out long in front of her, the dreamy look restored in her eyes, the storm brewing again, but Lea remembers when it was all torrential downpour. It still doesn’t feel possible that he walked her out of the fire before flames kissed anything unsalvageable.

Nothing feels possible, and his hands are frozen, stuck at his toes until a text bings from his phone in his pocket

“Probably the group text.” He tells her, referring to the one between him, Amaya, Aqua and Isa, as he settles in on the ground, pretending the seizing dread didn’t grip him only seconds ago. Clandestinely, Lea’s holding out on a message from Riku. Rueki just nods and Lea’s actually shocked, his nosey wife isn’t notorious for letting things be but--

He supposes the problem is this doesn’t feel too much like Rueki. This woman he’s got, the woman stretching out on the grass in front of him, with love in her eyes and red streaks in her hair has absorbed bits of Kairi’s persona like osmosis, like it’s the only thing that keeps her alive. The forgiving tendencies, the stare with the type of placidity usually reserved for the sea, the open heart that he usually had to pry apart. And it’s not like he’s not proud of the leaps and bounds the woman in front of him has made when it comes to finding peace, but when there are only glimmers left of the woman she used to be, moments of whining about going for too long of a run, he fears where Rueki, his Rueki, truly went. 

How long is this calm going to last before the next storm, and how hard is the rain going to beat into them? When Rueki finally emerges from beneath where she’s buried, what’s she going to come out looking like?

He’s got a tiny scar where she shocked him in the hotel room they ditched. She hasn’t noticed it, granted it has nothing on the ones that Isa gave her or that she gave him, but it’s permanent, it’s damage he can forgive, will always forgive, but can’t help but have memorized. 

So how is this, right now, possible, after the year they had?

“How did you get her up so early?” Del’s hanging out the front door in a pair of sweats, still without a shirt, hair standing up in some places and laying too flat in others. 

“You kidding me? This one wakes me up at the crack of dawn every day.” Lea teases, pointing a finger at Rueki. Del pads over, bare feet brushing the grass until he’s close enough to sit down, at which point he does, legs long in front of him.

“I was always up before you anyway, jackass.” Rueki rolls her eyes and Del snickers.

“Yeah, but you’re not a zombie 24/7 anymore, that’s damn impressive, I’m just wondering how Lea did it.” Del shakes his head.

“He has a magic penis, it lifted the undead curse.” Rueki deadpans. Although, probably not to the effect she’d like, because her ex, who has the same undeniable bisexual energy she does, just bursts out laughing and flops on the grass, arms folded beneath his head.

And Del is right, Rueki isn’t walking around like a ghoul in their house anymore, spine curled eyes empty, marking her arms with her fingernails day in and day out. Maybe that should just be victory enough and Lea should stay as collected as he pretends to be for his wife’s sake.

“You excited to see Maya?” Del asks.

“I’m always excited to see Amaya.” Rueki counters, like it’s somehow a competition. She finally sighs, having given up on further stretching and leans into Lea. He sets a hand on her hip as he props them up on his elbows, her back to his chest, her hands folded against her stomach. Her wedding band is bright and shimmering in the early morning sun.

Red light travels the fastest, always has to travel the fastest.

“Roxas and I were gonna go spar in the backyard, do you wanna join us?” Del asks the two, Lea just chuckles.

“Come on, this one’s gonna be down for the count for like a week after this. I’ll be lucky if I don’t have to carry her up the stairs.” Lea teases. Rueki smiles, soft, uneasy, like she’s pulling a mask into place. Lea squeezes her hip, but she doesn’t react, doesn’t lash out like she would have before the war. She swallows whatever it is that’s on her mind and shakes her head.

“Nah, I don’t need to watch that to know Roxas is gonna hand you your ass. Still don’t know how you got a Keyblade.” Rueki teases, swatting Del with her foot.

“Sheer dumb luck is a safe assumption.” Isa’s approaching now, hands in the pockets of his slacks, properly dressed and put together where Del isn’t. Rueki doesn’t even flinch inside of Lea’s arms, but that doesn’t mean Lea lacks anticipation for it. He squeezes his wife a little tighter and she is none the wiser that his love is a cage around her.

“You know, you yell in your sleep.” Rueki says, because she can’t help but poke the bear. Isa stands in front of them and rolls his eyes.

“Would you prefer to be called pot or kettle?” He asks. 

“Come on you two, it’s early. I don’t want to play peacekeeper until I’ve got at least a pot of coffee in me.” Lea groans. 

“Isa!” Xion comes running out of the house, still in pajamas, Roxas following her with a little less enthusiasm until his eyes find Rueki and Lea, at which point he races over too, elation washing across his features.

“Oh, cool, you guys are back!” Roxas plops down on the ground, clearly only appeased because his favorite person in the entire world is back from her run. Lea will never not be thankful for Xion’s reappearance and Roxas’ age. Were the boy a few years older, there’s no way Lea would be able to compete. Who can withstand that level of unyielding affection? Rueki may not be the type of woman who chases a pedestal, but can anyone turn down being treated as a deity when their spouse only sees them as a human being? 

“Olette just texted us, a big group cancelled their reservation at the bistro, she wanted to know if we all wanted to join Hayner, Pence and her for breakfast!” Xion chirps, smiling from ear to ear at the mundanity of it all. 

“Have you ever tried the food there?” Roxas asks, attention fully honed in. Lea chuckles.

“We tried it before you two, you were still inside Sora waiting for a good old fashioned wake up call when I took this one there for dinner.” Lea winks. Xion giggles, tucking her hair behind her ear. 

“Dude, Roxas, were you trying to eat her?” Rueki groans, pushing herself off of Lea to brush fingers across Xion’s jaw. Even though Xion turns bright red, she doesn’t flinch away from Rueki’s touch. The fucked up thing is Lea thinks maybe she should, maybe Xion should be a little more scarred, maybe someone should hold his wife accountable, maybe--

This is fear talking, he reminds himself. This is what terror looks like, what trauma tastes like. Rueki’s barely functional right now, she needs him to support her, she needs him to love her, to hold her up in the wake of actually taking the time to feel her grief. When she’s ready, when she’s stronger, he can voice his concerns, he can utter the words of caretaker burnout. He can check in and make sure she’s not losing her goddamn mind, burying pieces of herself underneath traits too soft, just to get by.

He wants her to be rough but not a monster, he wants her to be gentle but not too much, what the hell is his problem?

Maybe he just wants her, full and real and raw and maybe she just isn’t healed enough to be that yet and he needs to try harder. It’s his fault she got roped into this anyhow, it’s been his fault from the beginning.

“Please tell me Hayner gives you two hell about this?” Rueki asks, Xion giggles and swats away her hand.

“Hayner doesn’t know!” She insists. “I told Olette, and she’s been dying to tell, but I told her to keep it a secret for now.” 

“So what do you tell them about this?” Rueki points at the obvious hickeys just below Xion’s ear. 

“Nothing.” Xion blushes. 

“That she’s trying to figure out how to use a curling iron.” Roxas mumbles. Del laughs, a smile stretching across his face.

“It’s just as funny the second time.” Del shakes his head. 

“So breakfast? Xion asks quickly, face still quite hot. 

“Sure.” Rueki shrugs and stands right up, without help, without arms to support her. She leans down and extends a hand to Lea. He takes it and she hoists him up, all on her own, all moving just fine.

And all of this is just fine. She’s not burying herself, she’s not denying any loss, she’s not pulling him in to overcompensate, and he’s not going to worry.

He checks his phone, a text from Riku lights up the screen.

‘Riku: It’s all set up’

And a picture of a blanket laid out, tealight candles unlit and a paopu fruit at the center of things. It’s a day at the beach with friends, it’s a romantic occasion with his wife. Rueki’s not some type of seer, her anxiety this morning about something going wrong isn’t actually going to make anything go wrong.

After all, t’s just a day on the Destiny Islands, what could possibly go wrong?


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! This chapter is the first one that takes place during 'Up In Flames' and is a snippet of what Lea, Riku and Kairi deal with while Rueki, Sora, Neku and the Master of Masters are sulking around Shibuya. TBH, we did a little bit of experimental writing here, but that's because I wanted this chapter and the 'boss battle' in it to feel like one of the KH secret bosses, where there's a bit of a teaser for the future of the story included in the fight.  
> I hope you guys enjoy this one as much as I did, and I'll chat at you guys on Sunday when I return to 'Up In Flames' with the first chapter from the final arc!

XI.

Shinjuku is an arena of phantoms, but the woman who leaps down from a skyscraper, lithe and agile like a cat, is the cruelest thing Lea has ever laid eyes on.

Full lips, green eyes, long hair and curvy hips on a petite body, they haunt him in the worst of ways, like a wall he can’t break through, like walls no one can crash through, not him or Kairi or Riku. 

Shinjuku is a realm full of ghosts and he tells himself that ghosts aren’t real, that there’s nothing whispering siren songs that something is going tragically wrong, right in his ear. The figure they saw that looks eerily like Riku, that they chased down one empty street only to be met by more wet pavement and neon signs, was an illusion, as was the wraith that reminded him too much of Xigbar, taunting him in the worst of ways. Rueki herself saw an end to him, and Rueki leaves nothing unfinished, but that’s just the problem.

Rueki chases things with determined eyes and teeth bared and body tense, tight like a coil, and that’s how they wound up here, not far from Shibuya but not close enough, stuck in this world that’s fighting through something called an ‘Inversion’.Roxas, Xion and Del on the RG side, Lea, Riku and Kairi on the UG end. As if it wasn’t enough trying to pick up pieces that make no sense, this woman in front of him is certainly the breaking point.

She saunters forward, hips swaying, cigarette dangling from between her fingers. She takes a long drag, tosses it to the ground and with the aura of a film noir femme fatale, she stomps the cigarette out with a sky high heel and rolls her toned shoulders back. 

She cocks her head to the side, clicks her tongue and looks the trio of them over, eyes lingering extra long on Riku.

“Damn, you three are awful pretty.” She drags her tongue across her lips, Riku shifts, looking uncomfortable, Kairi stands a little taller, holding her Keyblade like a baseball bat.

“We’re looking for some friends of ours, they might be here.” She tries, still naive enough to be optimistic when this woman is very clearly the worst type of predator--the type made to break all three of them. 

The woman’s ruby lips curl into a smirk, she laughs.

“Unless your friends are dead as doornails, you’re in the wrong place, babydoll.” The woman raises her hand, a long, spiked rod appears in her hands. Something hums in the back of Lea’s memories, he’s not quite sure what this little whisper is, but he’s reminded of childhood, of sneaking into the castle and getting booted out promptly after. He’s certain he’s never seen this woman in his life, but something about her ignites every nostalgic neuron in his mind. “And you three, are just way too undead for my liking.” 

“Look, I know you don’t know who we are, but whatever’s going on with your world, we can help you fix it.” Riku says, putting a placating hand up. The woman just licks her lips and Riku turns maybe the same shade of red as her hair.

“Fun as that would be, sweetie, unless you’re interested in becoming a Reaper, there’s not shit you can do.” She informs them. “And I’m done chasing people who don’t belong, outta my world.”

Something dawn on Lea, his eyes widen.

“You’re not a Reaper, you’re the Composer.” He predicts, her red mouth curls up.

“I’m the Conductor, but close enough.” She winks. “I see you’ve spent some time in Shibuya. That’ll make this a nice, easy transition for you.

With no further warning, she lunges in, teeth bared, eyes determined, body tight like a coil.

And this woman, she fights like the damn devil.

Kairi goes charging in, always a little too eager and is met with someone who is not only far stronger, but clearly expertly trained. The woman parries eager pelts from a Keyblade, with swift flicking of her wrist, whirling the rod like rapid fire. A quick jab as Kairi cranks her Keyblade back, puts Kairi straight on the ground, knees wobbling as she plops down, choking on the air in her lungs. The woman plunges her rod back, aiming for the kill, Kairi acts, bringing her Keyblade forward to defend, the woman cackles and Kairi very blatantly doesn’t like this.

“Reflega!” She cries out as the woman goes to pierce her, and low and behold, unlike Shibuya, their spells do work without the pins on their clothing. Lea’s eyes flash. Suddenly everything has changed. He puts up a ring of fire around them, the woman’s eyes widen in an obvious moment of panic. But then, frightening, her demeanor changes.

“Oh ho ho...so we get to have fun then....” She bats her eyes, and throws her arms wide. Black and white jagged edges spiral around her, Riku casts a NullBlaze spell on himself and Kairi, and the woman in front of them transforms before their eyes into a massive black and white bear with huge claws and sharp teeth. 

“Noise.” Lea hisses, Kairi dives in to attack the beast, but Lea snatches her arm and pulls her back, all but throwing her right at Riku.

“Hey!” Kairi protests.

“Thank you.” Riku actually sighs and Kairi shoots him a scathing look, but the trio of them crowd in together, Keyblades at the ready. “This doesn’t look like it’s gonna be fun.” 

“If it’s anything like the taboo Noise Rueks and I fought in Shibuya, it won’t be. How do you feel about playing bait?” Lea asks, Riku makes a face.

“I can do it, but I was thinking we need to flank her, you and I, the...um harder hitters.” Riku clears his throat, Kairi makes a face.

“Ugh, fine, I’ll be bait.” And, with no further hesitation, Kairi goes sprinting in, Keyblade braced right in front of her. The Bear takes one massive swipe at her, Kairi cries out, but presses her feet further into the pavement, all of her weight settling there, which Lea already sees is wrong. The girl’s grounding herself, but her knees are trembling, and seriously, did Merlin never mention anything about proper footing to her?

Lea leaps in on one side of the Noise, Riku on the other and they bat the thing straight into the air when Lea realizes absolutely not, no one said a damn thing to Kairi about footing other than Rueki, who doesn’t even have a Keyblade and was training, herself. This seems wrong to Lea, as he realizes not for the first time, just how big of a deal footing is, when the Noise roars, takes a defiant swing at Kairi and knocks her straight onto her ass.

She gets back up like the best of them though, that Lea knows she got from his wife.

It’s a series of one of them plays distraction over and over again, and it’s not that the Bear isn’t hyper aware of what they’re doing, but she doesn’t need to be. Every hit they land on her is miniscule compared to the force she unleashes upon them.

Scratches dot their skin like blemishes, Lea takes a blow to his middle and hits the ground beside Riku and Kairi, struggling to push himself up.

“Hate to be that asshole, but my wife’s actually gonna kill me if I die.” Lea mutters.

“And if we die, you know Sora will just kill himself to bring us back.” Kairi rolls her eyes.

“And then we’ll be right back in this position.” Riku mutters. “Anyone notice any weak spots on her?”

“Her human form, that was more fun to fight, I liked that.” Kairi complains. From Lea’s ring of fire a voice calls out a name that Lea recognizes somewhere in the back of his mind as being important. Why it is, he could not say, but the Bear turns its head. A man--the man who looked eerily like Riku--walks straight through the flames, as though they are merely a projection and regards the Bear, arms crossed tight to his chest, taking himself far too seriously.

“There’s a Keybearer on the other end trying to revert Shibuya, Sanae thinks these ones will be able to help us.” The man--and Lea realizes right away who he looks like, but doesn’t voice it out loud, because he’s a fucking video game character, there’s no way Yozora should be standing a few feet in front of him, talking to a Bear like it’s his job--says. 

“Sanae. Heh, knew she had it handled, she found her way to Hanekoma.” Lea grins, and of course he does, his wife’s nothing if not resourceful--and annoying as fuck, because he wouldn’t be getting beaten up by a Bear in the first place if it weren’t for her.

As quickly as she turned into Noise, the woman reverts back, setting a hand on her curvy hips, lifting a brow at probably not Yozora. 

“Are you trying to tell me they have a level seven Keypin, because I call bullshit.” The woman replies.

“They say it has his signature on it.” Not Yozora mumbles under his breath, the woman’s eyes flash, green and dangerous.

“So one of them has a match?” The woman asks, turning to Lea’s group. Perceptively, she takes steps over to Kairi and crouches down, suddenly looking more maternal, though she’s still all edges. “Babydoll, you got a partner on the other side that might have a Key card?”

Kairi blinks, then flushes.

“I mean, I don’t know if I’d call him a partner, I think that’s going a little far with--”

“Kai, do you have a Key card?” Lea demands and she shoots him the type of glare that would make his skin grow cold were he not used to such scathing looks from her.

“This?” Kairi finally heaves a huge sigh and pulls a card out of her pocket. The woman’s eyes widen, her jaw goes slack, not Yozora seems pretty impressed too as he walks over. 

“Shit.” The woman curses.

“How’d you get that, Kairi?” Riku asks and Kairi shrugs.

“My heart was in Sora’s once before, he gave up his life to bring me back, we shared a paopu fruit, take your pick, we’re connected.” Kairi replies.

“And if her partner is in Shibuya, they’ll share items. Whatever is in her pocket will be in his.” Not Yozora explains.

“How’d you find out they got ahold of Sanae?” The woman asks, Not Yozora shrugs.

“Some boy in the RG, Ruckiss or something got feisty when I challenged them. He relayed the message, I guess he’s connected to the Keybearer and some veteran player that’s tagging along with him.” Feisty is mild when it comes to describing the way Roxas is willing to fight for Rueki, but if Not Yozora packs half as much of a punch as this lady, then maybe Roxas only was feisty at best. 

“The veteran player’s my wife, she’s why we’re here in the first place. She dove into the UG, and we came running after her.” Lea explains, the woman cocks her head to the side, hair spilling over her shoulder.

“To be honest, I don’t really give a quarter of a fuck why you’re here. If you can revert us, I’ll break down Shibuya’s barriers with my own bare hands to get you where you want to go.” The woman admits. “I’ve had far too many ghosts from my past sneaking in for one week, I’d like this place to get back to normal.”

“So it was him?” Not Yozora asks and the woman snarls.

“Yeah. Fucking dick.” For a moment, Lea’s almost certain he hears her call him Braig under her breath, but he swears he has to be hallucinating because not only is Xigbar probably off skulking around Radiant Garden, freshly recompleted, but there’s no way this woman would know the moniker he used to go by. And before he has time to think too much on it, the woman brushes off her pants and hikes her hair over her shoulder. “Alright, children, I’m this world’s Conductor.” And when she gives her name, Lea knows he’s supposed to know this name somewhere, but before he can place it, the man extends his hand and offers an easy smile.

“And I’m Yozora, the Composer of Shinjuku.”

Whatever sort of hot mess Rueki has landed him in this time, Lea knows he’s in for a ride like no other.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well hi there friends, and welcome to another chapter.  
> This one should be pretty obvious, but to clarify, this is Lea's side of the conversation that he and Skuld had in the Kingdom of Corona, the one that sent Rueki right into Xigbar's arms.  
> I hope you enjoy and just so you're all aware, I'm delaying posting the next 3 chapters, simply because those are ahead of where we're at in the main story! Chapter XIII, I'm pretty sure I'll be able to post in two weeks, on August 21st, if we still end up being too far ahead, I'll mention something in the notes of the mainline story as we get closer to that date! And then I'll continue to do so for the final two chapters.

XII.

Lea misses Rueki with the type of repetition that leaves bruises all over a heart. 

He looks at the last message she sent him, looks at his response, which garnered nothing from her, maybe a thousand times a day. He lives inside pictures on his phone, on her Kingstagram, on pictures of her and Kairi, on pictures of the two of them the day they got engaged, on times he didn’t realize he’d be clinging to by the skin of his teeth and wishes he would’ve held a little tighter as they tried to pass. 

The Kingdom of Corona is beautiful, lit vibrantly for some festival that he’s pretending he cares about. But Kairi gets herself a massive turkey leg and he thinks about the other kingdom he and Rueki went to on their mental health vacation. Aqua sets hands on her hips and insists Ven get off his phone and stop playing that Verum Rex game, and he gripes loudly that he isn’t a child, but Lea thinks about wearing face masks and spending time in an enchanted forest, playing video games with Rueki. Sora delights in being the legal drinking age in this kingdom, he orders some sort of ale and promptly spits it out and Lea definitely thinks of Rueki. 

Fuck, the clouds could shift in the sky, and he’d see her there.

“How’s it going?” Lea looks down and for maybe the first time in two weeks, Skuld isn’t straight up superglued to Isa. It’s not lost on Lea how colossally fucked up it is that his childhood friend, who had an utter fit when he got a girlfriend, has now commandeered their other childhood friend, while Lea’s wife has disappeared into such dense darkness that even he can’t chase her. Skuld tucks her hair behind her ear, golden eyes awfully expectant. But Lea sees golden eyes and he thinks Xigbar and fuck if he’s never hated anyone more in his life. Genuinely, he thinks he would rather die than lose his wife to fucking Xigbar.

If he’s being blunt, tactlessly honest, most days he’d rather die than simply be without her. 

“Going.” Lea responds, flashing Skuld the type of smile that fends most of the others off. It’s strange, Lea never much considered someone as volatile as Rueki to be the glue in any situation, but the longer she’s gone, the more he realizes her desperate inclination toward absorbing friends in a way that’s almost like osmosis, really was game changing. Aqua has nothing to say about Rueki, and on the rare occasion someone--usually Kairi or Roxas--are brave enough to say her name, the woman meets her mention with a sour expression and an absolution that they are all better off without her. Which almost always prompts Ven into throwing a full blown fit and Roxas and Kairi joining in, and Riku, Terra and Del being required to play peacekeepers. It’s no one’s idea of a good time. But that doesn’t mean remnants of her aren’t still so palpable, like the phantom pains of losing a limb. Gone, but consistently not forgotten. 

And that’s just the problem. No one can shake Rueki’s absence but that doesn’t mean the group is united on bringing her back home. 

“Isa wants to get one of those boats so we can watch the lanterns take off from the water. You should join us, maybe Ven too. It’d be nice to just hang out.” She offers.

“Oh, nah, I’m good. Water’s not really my thing, you’d have to twist my arm to get me out in a boat.” Lea chuckles, unsurprised at how remarkably good he is at making excuses for not wanting to play the miserable, loveless third wheel to his friends who are clearly falling head over heels for each other at a slower speed, but with less resistance than he and Rueki.

How Rueki could’ve thought he’d choose long dark hair and golden eyes over the fucking magic he had with her, still keeps Lea up at night. 

Skuld rocks back on her heels, her face twists.

“Well then, do you wanna go for a walk and catch up? I feel like I’ve barely seen you since--” Since Rueki left, since this woman, whose appearance he longed for for the better part of a decade, almost single handedly bullied his wife into jumping ship. He wants her to say Rueki’s name, wants it so bad so that the static clears the air and the phantom of the woman Lea loves can haunt him properly.

Kairi’s locked in some animated conversation with Sora. Del is playing with Lucidia while Amaya makes eyes at Aqua. Roxas and Xion are holding hands, at the edge of the pier, giggling and whispering with each other and Lea’s just…

Got not a damn thing better to do. He offers Skuld a grin and does what he does every day, drags his corpse through what he’s too burnt out to consider facing in the first place.

“Sure.”

So with that, Skuld leads the way, talking a mile a minute about some sort of parade that’s supposed to be cutting through the town and how Sora and Kairi are friends with Queen Rapunzel so she hopes they’ll get to see her and a thousand other things Lea doesn’t keep up with in the first place, but recognizes in himself. Funny, Skuld’s not normally one for bullshitting. She’s frustratingly blunt, lacks social cues in the worst of ways, but here she is, tiptoeing around anything that matters, doing the dance Lea himself knows all too well.

“Thanks for coming along with me. It’ll be nice to see the parade, but really I just wanted to get away with you for a little.” Skuld finally blurts, like she couldn’t possibly be more excited to force the words from her mouth, like any sort of repression physically hurts.

“Yeah, I was just thinking the same thing.” Lea says, because he’s pretty sure that’s what Skuld expects from her childhood friend, and Lea knows how to bullshit and disappear into the lies of necessity like it’s his day job. Not long ago, it was.

“You seem to be doing better.” Skuld offers, and once again, Lea thinks this feigned optimism from such a painstaking realist has got to be brutal for her. She’s definitely kissing his ass, Lea’s pretty sure he could guess why and is almost certain that guess has everything to do with Isa. Instead, he just clears his throat and smooths the fabric of his shirt. 

“I haven’t heard from her in a month, it’s not like I can quit living.” His voice dips to a whisper. Though he wants to, though he only longs to curl in on himself, distinctly feeling like he’s missing something-- a storm to soothe him from burning himself to a crisp-- Lea also is aware that unless he’s active, he’s going to watch as Rueki disappears entirely.

“That’s really grown of you.” Skuld admits and Lea will give her this, Skuld is remarkably good at realizing someone else’s growth and admitting when she’s wrong. “She’s made her choices, you shouldn’t punish yourself for them.” 

But she still won’t say Rueki’s name.

“Come on Skuld, I dunno that I really want to talk about her.” Lea groans, shaking his head back. Skuld’s face grows a lot more serious, a lot more speculative, a lot more herself and less caked in pleasantries.

“No, I agree. I had something else I wanted to talk to you about too.” Skuld says, quickly, nodding her head. They finally find their place in the crowd, as masses line the street to watch the parade Skuld was talking about. A trumpet howls, Skuld leans up on her toes and shouts into Lea’s ear, but against the trumpets, it’s almost a whisper. “I’m sure you realized that since I’ve been back, Isa and I have been getting really close. We’re uh...we’re together now.” 

The roar of trumpets dies down, Lea chuckles and shakes his head.

“Yeah. I kind of noticed.” In fact, everyone with eyes has noticed, Kairi’s even made snide comments about how ‘Rueki’s two least favorite people should just get together and go sit in a corner and leave the rest of us alone’. Not that Kairi has any business calling out anyone for playing the long game. 

“I know, and you have no idea how hard it was not to mention anything. I felt wrong...feeling that way. Like how would this affect you guys.” Skuld blurts, shaking her head back. There’s such desperate relief from her that Lea almost bursts out laughing, that he almost feels light. There’s not a doubt in his mind, Isa would have rather kept this secret, kept it close to his heart, kept Skuld untouchable if he could’ve helped it. This must be the closest thing to a compromise that his overly private friend could’ve found with blunt, callous Skud.

“Clearly, that’s not a problem anymore.” Lea shrugs. Mostly because Isa doesn’t seem to know what to say to him at all, all things considered. How does one even apologize for the departure of someone they spent years abusing? It’d be a fucking lie to pretend that Lea doesn’t look at everyone now and place blame in remnants of all they are. But mostly, because even after all the blame he sets on his own shoulders, there's still too much to go around. None of it helps anything make sense. “If I’m being real with you, I can’t say I didn’t expect this.”

“You felt it too?” Skuld’s eyes flash like she actually thinks that her feelings for Isa hit out of nowhere, like a sledge hammer and haven’t likely been building since they were children and Isa was no more than a sweet voice that whispered reassurances to her through a cage.

“Of course. It seems like it’s been a long time coming. It feels right.” Lea shrugs. Maybe in a different world he’d show a little fucking enthusiasm, would just be happy his two friends that were both fucked up by someone who called himself Ansem, are finding bliss within each other.

But everything inside of him just hurts. Jaded seems an understatement. 

The trumpets start to roar again, another group of dancers join the parade, Skuld once more leans up on her toes and screams quietly at him.

“So you’re really good with this? You’re not gonna feel any different about the three of us being friends or anything? You want us to be together?” Skuld asks as the trumpets die back down. Lea shoves his hands in his pockets. He wouldn’t classify a damn thing happening right now as a want. But that’s not what anyone wants to hear, and heroes don’t give up and die when their lovers fall into the blackness, and Lea worked so damn hard to be a hero for so long and maybe the biggest problem is the woman who pushed him in that direction, who single handedly became his momentum, isn’t in any hurry to come flying back into his arms.

“Definitely. If I’m being honest, it’s the only thing that makes sense anymore.” Lea replies. “It’s what I want.” He repeats, cuz he thinks she needs to hear it. A smile settles into Skuld’s features, she leans up on her toes again, this time to hug him tightly and release him just as quickly. They’re bone against bone, nothing fits or feels right.

“You’re sure?” She asks again.

“Seriously.” Lea chuckles, it’s almost kind of funny, the way she feels a need to triple check. Maybe not though, maybe she’s just fucked up over the idea of losing any other friends. Lea sighs and looks out at the parade. “It’s been a long time coming.”

Dancers dance, an entire band plays in the streets. Queen Rapunzel and King Eugene wave at the crowds of people from atop a float.

But Rueki doesn’t burst through the noise and swear she’ll come home. Rueki doesn’t break through the crowd, throw her arms around him and say she doesn’t need space any longer. The back of Lea’s mind tells him, once more, that somewhere, his wife is with Xigbar. They’re laughing over a joke and he’s the punchline.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jeez Sam, took long enough to post this, huh? Now that we're getting into the endgame, the next two chapters will be posted in succession with the correlating Rueki chapters to avoid spoilers.  
> Anyhow, this takes place in the space between Rueki destroying Twilight Town and Rueki getting her shiny new arm. Enjoy ~

XII.

“I don’t think she’s ever coming home.” Del’s never looked older. Cid told Lea in confidence that Del looks remarkably like Rueki’s father, especially with the cigarette between his lips.

“You never used to be so hopeless.” Amaya curls her knees to her chest and narrows her eyes, staring out at the witch’s old castle, a hollow, broken mess of ruined architecture. 

“This has hurt all of us.” Aqua makes a move for Amaya’s hand, Amaya pulls back both, prosthetic and flesh, curling in tighter on herself, mouth fixed into a pout.

“Some more than others.” Amaya says with the type of finality that makes Del feel comfortable wrapping an arm around the mother of his child, a child currently being fussed with by Sora, Kairi, Yuffie and Aerith. The thing about Radiant Garden is there is never a shortage of distractions. Or phantoms.

Their legs dangle off the ledge of some hillside--Lea, Amaya, Del, Aqua and Ventus. In the shades of blue and the hues of mauve, Lea remembers standing not far from here, at the edge of town, when Rueki grabbed his hands and told him with wild eyes that somehow, in the middle of what he thought might be the first candid conversation they were having, Xigbar found a way through, into her heart.

The thing about these royal hues that paint the skies, is in their vibrancy, Lea thought a red flag was a sign of victory, of his wife’s nobility. He didn’t realize he was supposed to uproot it from the ground and take off running then and there. 

“I didn’t think she’d be gone this long.” Ventus confesses, mouth twisting. “It’s kind of...it’s weird to think that… I mean, she must be really hurt if--”

“If she’s fighting alongside Vanitas?” Aqua asks and Ven colors, looking down at the ground, the shame of lessons learned and misplaced faith apparent in the way he hangs his head.

Everyone has their hold ups, and the tale Del spun of Rueki and Vanitas, fighting with unrivaled coordination is Ventus’.

Aqua’s is the lack of regard Rueki had for the children in her school, children Eraqus would have given his life to protect and therefore Aqua is convinced she must too. Children like Lucidia and if only Amaya could just understand that, she would understand where Aqua is coming from, but Rueki must be her blind spot.

Lea does more listening than he does talking lately. Everyone’s got this deep seated need to justify why they don’t trust his wife, to him. Why they don’t want her to come home, why one by one they’ve started to turn their back. Ven can’t keep faith in someone who fights alongside the darkest parts of himself. Del can’t stomach the way he pleaded with Rueki to ensure Transmute City didn’t fall, and she ignored him. Amaya’s the only one with a scrap of hope left.

But Lea knows that hope feels like a gut punch once the rejection finally settles beneath the skin.

\--

He catches Kairi crying outside by the same fountain he pushed Rueki into once as a child. Back then, Cid came barrelling out of the house, chasing Lea with a baseball bat. Now, Cid is probably with Leon or Ienzo at the castle, or anywhere to ignore what he considers a failure. Cid confides in Lea over coffee that he’s no longer upset at Lea for not bringing Rueki home when Twilight Town fell. He’s just upset he let her parents down. 

Lea’s not really sure what he’s supposed to do, especially when he sees the phone on the ledge of the fountain beside Kairi. But anymore, he’s coming to terms with how little it matters, what he does.

“I don’t know why she’s like this.” Kairi says, when Lea sits down. So Lea makes a face and kicks some pebbles on the ground. “Why is it so hard for her to believe than anyone loves her? And that we’re looking out for her best interest?”

Lea wants to answer that it’s because Rueki treats love like a fantasy. Mystical, impossible, dazzling, and empty. That maybe she always has and Lea got too good at twisting the realm into fairy tales for her and it’s his own fault that someone else better than him at creating these majestic stories came along.

Instead, Lea just looks down at the ground, at brick pavement that he remembers Rueki drawing on with chalk as a child.

“She sent you a nasty text?” Lea asks and Kairi nods, pathetically.

“She treats my light like it’s some kind of reward I’m dangling over her head.” Kairi explains. “But I hate it and I’d rip it out of my own chest if I could!’’

“Well you know what they say about waiting versus acting, princess.” Lea teases, settling back into the drawl and the words he used with Kairi so long again. Her eyebrows come together, she looks up and pats his arm.

“How are you? Does anyone ask?” 

Terrible, and no one does because no one wants the answer, Rueki did have that part right. But there are some things Lea doesn't dare put words to yet and this is one of them.

“You know how it is, Kai.” Lea just replies and Kairi nods, sniffling a little, but then she starts to toy with the remnants of the blonde streak in her hair.

“She’s gonna be in for a hell of an awakening when we’re all in line to kick her ass after this war is over.” Kairi says, and maybe that’s her hang up. She can’t possibly hate Rueki with the pure light pulsating in her chest, so she can’t possibly fathom a world or an action Rueki could take that seems like going too far. But Lea recalls strolling out Cid’s front door to ask Cid’s blessing for Rueki’s hand in marriage. 

He has everything in this realm memorized, her red light, traveling to her the fastest. The problem is, no one ever told him what to do when she doesn’t even try to catch up.

\--

Master Yen Sid arrives in Cid’s living room when Lea is sitting there beside Roxas and Xion, the two cloak themselves in the type of stony silence that Lea discovered long ago means they’re avoiding hashing out a fight. Not that Rueki was ever one for avoidance, but he can see it in the set of their shoulders, in their tight lips, in the way they’re forcing him to come up with words. He realizes he has no idea how to talk to anyone anymore, has no idea how to pull himself out from within.

Xion gasps as the wizard arrives, eyes flying wide as she stands up.

“Master Yen Sid!” She straight up courtseys, Roxas jerks back and Lea--

He notices the collateral damage. 

“Who went swinging at you?” Lea asks. Master Yen Sid’s dark, eerie eyes find him and Lea knows…

He’s certain.

“Rueki…” Lea breathes, answering his own question. Gruffly, Master Yen Sid nods and Xion clasp her hands over her mouth as she sits back down.

“Why? How could she?” Xion asks. Roxas bristles, nostril’s flaring, blue eyes burning.

“The Master of Masters intends to complete the purging of worlds. And now with the Mysterious Tower destroyed, he has succeeded. Rueki has turned herself into a dangerous pawn.” Master Yen Sid explains

“But you helped her during the last war.” Xion insists.

“I don’t think she’s thinking about that right now, Xion.” Lea makes a pained face, swallowing thickly as he thinks of his wife, of the storm in her eyes, of the blade clenched with white knuckles in her hand, of the spells on her lips as she destroyed Twilight Town. He can’t get away from it or his lips on hers or the messages she sent him last night. He wants to shake her shoulders and ask if she loves him, how can she leave him, how can she use up his kindness, how can she justify any of this?

“You’re not in her head, you don’t know what she went through.” Roxas mutters. “What did she say to you?” Roxas glares up at Master Yen Sid and Xion colors from hairline to neck.

“Roxas, please.” Xion whines.

“No, I wanna know her side of things!” Roxas demands.

“Get your head out of your ass, she’s not coming home!” Lea’s voice rumbles like thunder through the living room. Xion curls in on herself, even Master Yen Sid looks taken aback.

“What the fuck is your problem!?” Roxas snaps, slamming his hand so hard on the sofa that it leaves an imprint. Xion claps her hand to her mouth and scrambles back, toward the chair Lea is in, as though she can’t get away from Roxas fast enough.

“Roxas, please just calm down.” She begs, reaching a placating hand for him. He looks at it as though it is treasonous. “She attacked both of us in Transmute City, why wouldn’t she attack Master Yen Sid unprovoked?”

“Why the hell does no one, even you two, ever want to get Rueki’s side of thing?” Roxas waves his hand from Xion to Lea. “It’s like you both forgot that we were best friends and that she sacrificed her happiness and her safety tons of times for us!”

“No one’s forgotten, Roxas. There is concern over the fact that someone who was once our greatest ally is now a liability.” Master Yen Sid explains

“That’s what you’re calling her?” Roxas scoffs. “A liability?”

“She’s acting out of hurt.” Xion insists.

“Because we all hurt her! And no one ever wants to take fucking responsiblity for that!” Roxas roars.

“Sit the hell down, Rox, and let Rueki take responsibility for her own problems first.” Lea snaps and once again, everyone looks at him. Xion even goes through the motions of not knowing what to say, her mouth parting several times with only empty noise left to come out. Truly, he doesn’t know how to talk to anyone anymore.

Roxas is hardly so restricted.

“You were never there for her.” Roxas accuses, something dangerous brewing behind blue eyes. “You always had someplace more important to be, some kind of mission to do, some way to suck back up to Saix, even though he was the one who turned his back on you! You don’t know what it was like, all the anxiety she felt those nights you were away, how much pain was in her heart. You don’t get it, I had to be there for her cuz you never were!”

“Yeah? What about the fucking year and then some that you were gone, Rox, what about that? You wanna go off on me for not being there for her for a couple months, yeah, sure, I was a shitty boyfriend sometimes. But you don’t know what it’s like to break your back for someone and have it get slapped in your face.” Lea snaps. Roxas just rolls his eyes and crosses his arms to his chest.

“Guys, please.” Xion’s voice is barely above a whisper, meek and afraid of breaking the already tumultuous balance between friends. 

“Maybe you wouldn’t be so burnt out on taking back people who made mistakes if you saved it for your wife instead of a friend you outgrew.” Roxas snarls.

“Yeah? I treat her real fucking bad, don’t I?” Lea seethes.

“I agree, but I don’t think you’re being for real.” Roxas takes a step forward and finally, Lea stands. Puberty or not, he towers over Roxas still. But Roxas is fearless and is carrying a torch to end all others.

“I treated her bad when I was gonna kill your ass so she didn’t have to? I treated her bad when I kept her alive when Xemnas and Saix were campaigning to kill her? Really, tell me more. Do you think I treated her bad when I begged her forgiveness for looking for Isa before her? Or do you think the kicker was when I spent six months dragging her back from hell, by my damn self, when Kairi died?” Lea asks.

“I think you were a bad boyfriend for letting your old best friend abuse her in the throne room, I think you were a bad fiance for ignoring her the first six months Kairi was gone and I think you’re a bad husband now that you’ll take anyone’s side but hers!” Roxas barks. Lea’s eyes flash and he nearly strikes the young man.

“You think you can do any better, be my fucking guest. Really, take her off my hands, show me exactly how easy it is to be with someone like that. You want her, have her!” Lea hisses and watches Xion’s face go bright red.

“That’s enough!” She snaps, standing up, face flushed, eyes wide, jaw tight. Lea doesn’t realize it until then, but that was one move too far. One step over the edge, the spark that incinerated the world. Taking shots at Roxas feels vulgar, but finding Xion’s insecurities, in an argument that has nothing to do with her, isn’t fair.

But it makes worlds of sense. Xion’s got the same telepathic connection to Rueki that Roxas does, she’s at least twice as optimistic. But if she’s shouted those same fears at Roxas, in secret, then it makes perfect sense why Xion is taking a route of nobility rather than loyalty. 

“This has nothing to do with who had Rueki’s back and who doesn’t, and dear Twilight, Roxas, Lea is just as much your friend as Rueki is, you shouldn’t forget about that!” Xion glares, but Roxas doesn’t even have the courtesy to look ashamed. Instead, he sends a scathing look to everyone in the room and stomps straight past them, out the door, slamming it in his wake. Xion flinches, her face crinkling. “I’m so sorry, Master Yen Sid.”

“There’s no need to worry, Xion.” Master Yen Sid nods. “Truly, Roxas must be grieving the loss of a friend quite severely if he’s lashing out against the ones he does have.”

“Yes.” Xion mutters. “I’m sorry, Lea. What he said to you was uncalled for. We all know how much you and Rueki loved each other, no one’s doubting that.”

But they are. And Lea isn’t, and that’s the hardest thing. That’s Lea’s hold back, that’s the pain in what’s unspoken. He knows there’s so much doubt in this chaos, he knows everyone is questioning if he had said the right thing, somewhere along the line, if now Rueki would be on their side and not purging worlds. 

Lea knows, truly knows, inside himself that there was so little choice in his own hands at the end. And maybe no one else can see it, or they say they do but offer so little sympathy to back it, but staying with Rueki had taken on the quality of fighting sleep in hypothermia. It would have been sweet and easy and delicious and deadly to give in, but he’s starting to wonder if ever there will be a day he isn’t wrestling with all of this.

He wonders if there ever will be a day where he doesn’t take a look at himself in the middle of the night and wish he wasn’t standing in the bathroom mirror alone, questioning whether this ripping off of a bandaid is worth losing a lifetime of the sweet death by a thousand cuts.

\--

It doesn’t seem to matter how much he doesn’t want to hear from her, or how he’s still stuck in a loop of flashbacks leading him to that last battle in Twilight Town, when Rueki reaches out, Lea responds. Instantly, unflinchingly, he reads her message like an addict, starving for one last little fix.

Rueki: Yen Sid never wanted Kairi trained, he used us to keep her safe until he didn’t have a need for her and then he orchestrated her death so the Master could never be successful in restoring the realm, cuz a Princess of Heart’s light isn’t transferred if she dies unnaturally, it fades with her.

The text is jumbled and chaotic, Lea’s eyes are swimming, he’s confused as all hell when Skuld knocks on his door then comes in without waiting for a reply. Her curious eyes narrow as she looks at him, disheveled, having just put on his clothes, still with furious bedhead.

“Are you just now getting up? It’s nearly noon.” Skuld makes a face as she leans forward, seeming to think the couple inches she’s leaning forward will answer why Lea is such a bum, who he’s texting and why he’s probably got the same type of aura as a natural disaster. “Are you texting your wife?”

“Am I that bad at hiding my face now?” Lea sighs. He’s lost dignity and friends, why not a sense of privacy while he’s at it?

“No, she’s just blowing up everyone’s phones, telling us all it’s somehow not her fault that she chose to blow up the Mysterious Tower.” Skuld rolls her eyes. Lea’s mouth forms a pout.

“She says Yen Sid wanted to try to make sure Kairi died.” Lea tries.

“Do you really think she wouldn’t say anything to try to convince us that she’s not in the wrong?” Skuld asks. 

“I dunno, it’s Kairi.” Lea sighs. “You don’t get it, if there’s anyone that Rueki would burn bridges for, it’s--”

“Luxu.” Skuld says, Lea’s face loses color.

“Good point.” He shoves his phone into his pocket, leaving the message ignored. It’s a stitch on a gaping cavity, but Lea tells himself that if he can keep this up, one day the absence of Rueki can heal. 

“Isa and I are going to go get ice cream, you should come, it would be nice for the three of us to do something together.” Skuld offers, extending a hand, and Lea takes it.

Because at least those two won’t fault him for trying to pick up the shreds of his life and leave Rueki behind. Even if he faults himself.

Try as he may, she follows him like a shadow. Rueki is a phantom and his phone doesn’t stop haunting him, igniting with texts from her.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t text her back, I told her we shouldn’t talk when she destroyed Twilight Town, but she’s fucking impossible.” Lea says, though he reads the texts with hungry eyes, as they settle on a ledge at the edge of town, ice cream at hand.

“Then stand up for yourself.” Skuld says flatly, crossing her arms to her chest. “You haven’t been acting like yourself since Twilight Town, if there’s something you need to say to her, then say it.”

Isa looks up from his phone for the first time since the three embarked and clears his throat.

“Just say it, Isa.” Lea demands, carding a hand through his hair. 

“I’m not sure why this is the straw that breaks your back. She’s done a lot worse.” He replies, in a low, cool voice.

“She’s done worse than destroying a world you called home?” Skuld snorts, like Rueki’s always been this irredeemable, monstrous villainess. Like she doesn’t have any idea what drew Lea to Rueki in the first place. 

“I have.” Isa’s voice dips low. Soft and vulnerable. Skuld drops her ice cream, Lea’s going to be sick. 

“This doesn’t have anything to do with you.” Skuld reminds him.

“In terms of redemption though, I just find it to be unique. She supposedly means so much to you, but the second you’ve found something shiny and new to latch onto, you default toward it just the same as she defaults to distance.” Isa’s face is perfectly neutral, and so unashamed that Lea’s gripped by the interest Isa owes. “It’s the very same thing you did to me when she and Roxas became fixtures in your life.”

“You and I were growing apart already!” Lea snaps, face burning. He can’t talk to anyone, dear Twilight. He wishes he could stitch his lips back together and never speak again. “I’ve apologized so many times and so have you, why are you still holding this over me?” Because if there’s one person he expected to have on his side, even when the rest of the world is leaving him in the dust, it’s Isa. Isa who hated Rueki from the start, Isa who never gave her a fair chance, Isa who brutalized her and begged Lea to give her up. And now here he is, trying to and it’s harder than giving up oxygen, and Isa’s back is all he sees. 

“Hey, listen logically, not emotionally, he’s not blaming you for anything.” Skuld snaps, slapping her hand on the ledge. Maybe she’s right and Lea’s head is swimming so hard that he can’t understand the cut and dry of it all, but Lea also knows that Isa could crucify him on the spot and Skuld would defend her boyfriend’s actions with tooth and nail.

The coldest, clearest part of all of this, is how bad he misses that feeling. 

Remember when Rueki would mouth off simply because she didn’t like the way someone was talking to him? Remember Rueki getting her knuckles bloody, because she believed he deserved something better? Remember when she fought for him, rather than against?

Lea wonders if Xigbar gets that same treatment, but knows he absolutely has to. Even before Rueki’s back was fully turned, she was so convinced that the Freeshooter had finally shown her the way.

“Sorry.” Lea just says, though he really doesn’t mean it. But with each passing day, he feels himself drifting from the others and knows it won’t be long until he’s as good as lost at sea. He can’t lose these two. 

“I’m merely reminding you that you have an inclination toward this as much as she does. Every time you told me I was wrong, it only convinced me I was all the more in the right, staying at Xemnas’ heels. Sometimes peace has a lot more to do with who brings you comfort than who brings you love.” Isa says.

And it’s all a great big battering ram. It smashes into Lea’s abdomen, crashes into him until he sees no more light.

Lea pushes himself off the ledge and walks away, finding Rueki’s contact in his phone.

‘I know you’ve got a lot you want to say right now, but the fact of the matter is that I can’t give you what you need. I can’t hear you out, I can’t see past this. Haven’t we hurt each other enough? Can’t you just come back?’

Rueki replies almost immediately.

Rueki: Did you even read my fucking message or are you just disregarding me again cuz I’m telling you things you don’t want to hear?

She’s not even trying.

He can’t shoulder the effort anymore. Lea’s hands shake, his shoulders fall.

‘I can’t do this with you anymore. Do you want to win or do you want to make this work?’

Rueki: This isn’t about winning or losing. This is about me making the world a better place for us.

‘I’m not doing this with you right now. Are you coming to Radiant Garden or not?’

Rueki: I’m kind of fucking busy getting myself an ARM. Since you know, I lost it trying to kill the murderous old wizard that you all put on a pedestal.

It’s always about her. It’s always about all that she needs, all that she takes without asking. It’s about all of the times that she tells everyone she needs less and demands more. Neither of them know how to breathe anymore without the other’s exhale, but slowly, one molecule at a time, she’s winning. Once more this is a game, a battle, and she’s not satisfied until she’s victorious.

So Lea looks at the sky, which will have so few stars in it when the night falls, thanks to his wife, and decides this is the best he can do when the only option she gives is to love her hard and let her go.

‘Then you should probably stop texting me. We’re enemies. I’ll see you on the battlefield’.

He turns off his phone and paces his way past every last phantom, past every last memory. A jewelry shop is a jewelry shop, a fountain is a fountain, a home is a home, a ledge is a ledge and she’s no longer standing on it and neither is he. 

Except he is. And as long as she’s still there, he will be too.

When he gets back to Cid’s, the quiet has sunk in but the eyes are off of him. Skuld’s hand is laced through Isa’s, Lea looks around, Del speaks, finding a voice when no one else can.

“Ansem the Wise was found dead.” He says.

“What?” Lea chokes.

“Mauled by some sort of animal, it appears.” Isa says in a low, slow voice.

“Yeah, an animal that went berserk.” Roxas doesn’t need to put his accusations so bluntly, his eyes scream loud enough. 

“It’s hard to act sad.” Skuld says, with her lips pressed.

“He was an old friend, but he sure did do some awful stuff.” Mickey shakes his head.

“A complicated man.” Aqua decides.

“The man who attempted electro shock on my girlfriend’s heart. Skuld put it best, it’s hard to act sad.” Isa’s stare is cold and dead on the kitchen table. His phone is gripped like a vice in the hand that doesn’t hold Skuld’s. 

Isa wasn’t supposed to find out, ever, about what those marks on Skuld’s chest were from. It’s possible that this is the first time he’s being told by Skuld herself, but Lea has more nefarious bets and wonders if his message to her is what made Rueki give up playing by any of her own rules.

Lea goes to bed with empty arms and wakes up with the blankets kicked off of him and sweat dripping down his body. He rolls over, making a move to wrap an arm around Rueki, to quell the fire inside of him. As he’s done for months, he comes up empty handed and tells himself that one day he’ll remember she’s not there anymore, even in the haze of his dreams.

Maybe one day it’ll all even be worth it.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's what was going on for Lea and the others the night before the war. You know, when Rueki was hanging out with her mom and breaking up with Xigbar. Also I CANNOT take credit for the Namine is Ava theory. I saw snippets on Reddit once upon a time and cannot, for the life of me find any of the threads that created this cohesive theory. One person thought it was strange that Namine was in the Final World and Roxas wasn't, one person mentioned that Ava and Namine both have control over memories, one person mentioned that teaser of 'The Truth About Namine' and another mentioned the fact that Kairi's Keyblade could've shown up at any other time, but didn't until after she was rescued by Namine (who possibly bequeathed her), and how remarkably like Ava's Keyblade, Kairi's looks. I filled in some gaps to make it more cohesive--like found details such as Namine telling Sora in Oblivion that she'd been alone for so long, when she legit had only been in existence for a couple weeks if she was truly born when Sora and Kairi's hearts were released in Hollow Bastion--but yeah, it's not all me.

XIV.

“There’s something I think you should all be aware of before tomorrow.” Naminé’s voice rings high and clear like windchimes from Cid’s living room, where they have all clustered. Every single one of them, Goofy, Donald, King Mickey and Queen Minnie too now that Disney Castle has been vanquished by darkness. It’s not like before the last war, drinking and dreaming, but rather the scene is solem, like attending a wake. Lea twists his wedding band around his finger, watching how it spins because he and Rueki never did bother to size their bands after eloping.

Inside feels just shy of a boiling point, he’s simmering beneath the surface and it’s like he’s burning up the type of fever that makes everything else feel cold, sterile and bleak. Including the voice of someone he calls ‘friend’.

But they look at her, all of them, because Naminé reserves her words for when they matter most. She smooths this baby pink blanket across her lap, twisting her boney little hands through it. 

“Something about Rueki?” Roxas asks optimistically, ignoring the fact that everyone winces on her name like it’s a curse word.

“No, I think we’ve come as far as we’ll be able to with her.” Naminé admits, apologetically. “Wherever Rueki goes now, she’s too stubborn to follow our lead… I just hope…” She pinches her eyes shut, scrunches up her face like she’s trying to steady herself, then takes a long breath. When her eyes open back up, Lea’s stomach starts to churn. It’s like he’s staring at an entirely different face. At someone just as worried, just as anxious, but resolved and somehow, in that resolve lies power. “I have laid plans to ensure that this realm doesn’t fall. I have done every single thing I could, to subdue the Master’s best laid plans. I have attempted to thwart he and Luxu every step of the way, and while I did not count on Rueki straying or Luxu capturing Skuld...I… I do still believe we have enough.”

“What do you mean you’ve been trying to ruin the Master’s plans?” Sora of all people asks, blinking as though suddenly Naminé has just grown some sort of second head. Which might not be too far off, because Lea feels as though he’s staring at another face entirely, like the masquerade is finally over, but no one had a clue they were watching a show in the first place. He knows how to wear a mask so well that no one sees the seam where it meets his true identity--he didn’t realize Naminé had acquired such a skill somewhere along the line.

“With the empathy link, do you mean?” Kairi asks and Naminé laughs this sad, humorless laugh.

“No, no. It’s much more than that.” Naminé takes another strenuous breath, brow coming together. “I am not who you expect I am. And I never have been. Kairi is a Princess of Heart. Even while resting inside of Sora’s heart, she couldn’t have produced a Nobody. And surely not one that looks so unlike her.” 

“I don’t...I don’t understand.” Kairi blinks.

“But Roxas is my Nobody, and he doesn’t look like me.” Sora insists.

“That’s because he took on Ventus’ appearance… which is… another thing I need to warn you about.” Naminé admits. “I have been living in Kairi’s heart. Since Radiant Garden fell, the vessel I was using before was lost to that fall. When her heart was released from Sora’s mine was released from her, and because of the strength of her light, I was able to have my body back, my original body, a body I discarded millenia ago.” 

“Millenia?” Del gasps.

“Naminé...just who are you?” Riku asks, defensively positioning himself between her and Sora and Kairi.

“I am the missing Foreteller, the traitor who went forward in secret, the one who bears the Sigil. I am ‘X’ from the reports found in Scala ad Caelum.” Naminé breathes, Skuld’s eyes fly wide.

“You’re Lady Ava.” And at that, she straight up bows, tucking her head to her chest, submissive in ways Lea has never seen his friend.

“No way!” Ventus’ eyes widen.

“Wait, you’re a Foreteller?” Sora asks.

“The one that saved us, the one that that ensured the light would persevere.” Skuld rushes in, defensively. Naminé--Ava?-- laughs softly, eyes fixing on one specific focal point.

“Yes, in the worst of ways, I ensured that. I fear I’ve done nothing though, the Master still intends to use the light I saved, to purge the remnants of darkness in the realm, and with Rueki as his proxy, the pain and rage in her heart...I do worry that my plans have been foiled in turn.” She hands her head.

“I think you need to do a lot more explaining.” Aqua urges, softly setting a hand on Naminé’s shoulder. The blonde looks up to her, brow coming together, smile crossing her features.

“Of course.” She nods. “The first time the Keyblade War was carried out was lifetimes ago, in the time Ventus and Skuld recall. My mission was to save selected Keybearers from the fate of the war. But I was unsatisfied with only saving such a select few, so I sought out a way to prevent the war, just as my siblings did. But I was the only one who found out the truth. Luxu was my favorite brother and when I found him and asked for help, he burdened me with a secret I would have been better off not knowing. The war was essential because it would summon Kingdom Hearts, and the Master could trap the very source of light itself in a vessel. The vessel would appear human, would be controllable and most of all, it would be something the Master could watch over, even from the sleeping realm, even from the very edges of death in Shibuya’s underground. He didn't take into account that the source of darkness would escape as well, but that has not halted him. With that source of light, the Master could commit mass genocide, purging the realm of even the faintest traces of darkness. So I struck Luxu, in my horror and surprise and with it, tolled the bell that began the war. Unlike my other siblings, Luxu and I were able to flee the world, and I chased him relentlessly, losing sight of the source of light that the Master captured. Just as Luxu lost sight of the Master’s Keyblade, our constant war with each other blinded both of us. Until lifetimes had been lost and we ended up in Radiant Garden, right at the very same time the light’s source returned.” Naminé says. “Unfortunately, the light was lost to us for a very long time, and while I hid within Kairi’s heart, Luxu aided Xehanort, and in doing so, weaved his way into Rueki’s world. Fortunately, Kairi ejected me around the same time, so I made it a point to chase both my brother and Rueki into Xemnas’ hands. He made a mistake, he sensed Kairi’s heart in me and came to the conclusion I was her Nobody. I didn’t correct him and instead, did everything I could to endear myself to Rueki. But, back then she wasn’t anything like what my brother has turned her into.”

“Vexen knew the truth.” Lea spits, out of nowhere and Naminé cracks this strange, knowing little smile, something sparkling in her eyes. Distantly, Lea recalls a report he couldn’t make sense of, years ago. ‘The Truth About Naminé’. It strikes him like a hot iron, that all this time, this girl, this sweet, innocent victim that not only did he try to save, but Rueki as well, was the polar opposite of a victim. 

“Yes he did predict as much, though he didn’t know fully what I was. He just knew that my powers over memories were not things that even the most unique Nobody could wield.” Nami--no, Ava confesses. “In this time, I instructed Rueki always, to do what was right, to do what was difficult but just, put her in positions where she would be forced to choose selflessly when the selfish thing would be easy, just in hopes it would become second nature.”

“So you manipulated her?” Roxas snaps, voicing what Lea dreads the thought of saying. Please, no, please justify why Rueki has not had a target painted on her back all this time.

“And for that, I’m sorry, but truly, I believed it was the way to avoid this fate. Had Luxu not kept Skuld for so very long, so much of this would not have happened. What my brother did to you was cruel in the worst of ways, I am so sorry, I never could have expected he would be able to get a hold of you.” Ava shakes her head.

“It sounds like there are a lot of things you didn’t take into account.” Amaya murmurs, hands balling into fists. 

“People make mistakes.” Skuld snaps.

“Just not Rueki, right?” Amaya retorts.

“What she’s done is no better than what Xehanort did to us!” Aqua counters.

“I’m not having this discussion with you again, she was my friend before I even knew your name.” Amaya bites.

“And you want to choose loyalty to someone who doesn’t care about you? Who destroyed your world?” Aqua scoffs

“Someone who warned us before she did, someone who was manipulated by superhumans her whole life; doesn’t that earn her forgiveness in your eyes?” Amaya pleads. Aqua doesn’t answer. The two look away from each other and Ava rings her hands.

“I was optimistic where I shouldn’t have been, but there is a way to protect the things we have from the Master…” Ava suggests, though there is unrest, though there is concern.

“Well gee, Ava, it sure is hard, wrapping my head around this.” Mickey shakes his head.

“You lied to us for a long time, how can we trust you?” Donald asks.

“She’s our friend, that’s how.” Ventus says, but it’s not lost on anyone how that rule does not apply to other misguided blondes, least of all, Lea.

“What do you think we should be doing to help, Lady Ava?” Goofy asks and she smiles softly at him.

“I think Kairi should transfer her light. To someone she believes will keep it safe and guard it with their life. That is her choice, but the Master and Luxu will not be expecting it.” Ava suggests. Kairi glares up at her, jaw clenched.

“You hid in my heart, I wanted to keep you safe and now you want to tell me what to do with my heart?” She asks.

“Kairi, you must believe--” Ava begins but Kairi shakes her head and stands up, heading for the door.

“Kairi!” Riku admonishes.

“I just want to go for a walk.” She mutters and immediately, Sora leaps up, following her like a shadow.

“I’ll come with you.” He assures her. She doesn’t stop him, but she doesn’t say anything else before she walks out.

“I’m so sorry, I know this must all be coming across in the worst of ways, but truly, my intentions have always been to stop the Master of Master’s from sullying the realm.” Ava insists.

“And which of us doesn’t know anything about dirtying our hands?” Terra asks. 

“Which of us doesn’t know the pain of being manipulated by those who know exactly how to coerce us?” Isa hisses and Lea’s heart leaps up into his throat. What has he done, what in this realm has he done? When Rueki reached out, he turned deaf ears and Isa isn’t wrong. This is as bad as Xemnas, it’s as bad as Xehanort, it might be for some ultimate greater good but, he let his wife become collateral damage and that’s--

“You spoke of some great source of light and a body it resided in… Lady Ava, what are you referring to?” Skuld asks quickly, shooting her boyfriend and his ‘treasonous’ words a scathing look.

Ava looks like her heart is falling apart.

“In the very beginning there was only light and darkness. Darkness crept into the light, binding them together. So when the Master extracted that very original source of light from Kingdom Hearts, he brought the darkness with it. The two were separated, the darkness hid in the form of a Chirithy for a long time, but then found its way back to the source, back to the light and compelled it to do...what darkness does. It compelled it to a great, necessary evil. The world cannot exist without either the blinding justice or the pitch black chaos, when the two were together, it was a completed being.” Ava explains.

“But they’re not anymore?” Xion asks.

“Over a decade ago, they were separated. By Master Xehanort.” Her eyes fall back to Ventus, and it becomes too much, it’s all too much.

Lea scrapes himself up off the ground. Someone says his name but quite frankly, he doesn’t even pay attention to who, because it really doesn’t matter. He can’t even bring himself to take a breath. This is it, he’s past his boiling point, this is the fever pitch where every last word, every set of eyes on him is an ice pick and he feels it--somewhere, something inside of him is begging for his help. He knows, without a shadow of a doubt that it is his soul. Their soul, the soul connected to the woman he has neglected long enough to--

Lea tastes bile.

He leaves for the room that used to be--still is--hers and locks the door behind him. Palms splayed out across the door, vision comes in like pinpricks, spotting, blearing. His head throbs, his eyes start to water, he has to manually remind himself to breathe because--

No. No. This can’t have happened. No, no he… he was so sure he was right, so sure she was wrong, so sure he chose the right side and she didn’t and didn’t even contemplate the fact that the only right side is beside her with no one else in the world in sight. Rueki… what he sent her, the things he said, the things they did--

Desperately, he fumbles through her nightstand and grabs his phone, dialing a number he swore to himself not long ago that he’d never contact again. In her drawer, he finds the scarf, the one from when he was a boy, the one they shared and balls it up to his face, holding it there, wishing desperately it still smelled like her.

Champagne bubbles and the anticipation before a storm. What the hell has he done?

Her phone goes straight to voicemail, he curses, but hearing her voice tell him to leave a message is somewhat--not at all--cathartic.

“Baby.” He breathes. “Rueki.” He whispers her name like gospel and tries so hard not to cry, because how is he supposed to tell her this? How is he supposed to say any of this without being an unintelligible mess? He could have Namin--Ava? Explain it, but then he thinks no. Not like that, not ever again. It doesn’t matter if her phone is off because she’s in Xigbar’s arms--it does, that’s a deal breaker, that’s still a problem--he’s never letting anything get misconstrued between them again. He’s not letting anyone else alter the magic and madness that their love has been since the very beginning. “I need you to call me. Meet me if you can by the fountain in Radiant Garden. I’ll be there all night, I just...I need to talk to you. I found out something, something real bad and I need to tell you cuz… Cuz fuck, honestly, I don’t care what you’ve done anymore, none of that is important, I just need you to have control of what you’re going to do cuz--” Because everyone has taken it away from her, and he played bystander and now he doesn’t even know how he became such a mess, trying to play the hero. “Please, it’s just a lot. I want to hear everything you have to say, I want to listen to you and I want you to listen to me, because there’s so much. And honestly Rueks, it doesn’t even matter anymore, nothing does, you’re the only thing, what I said to you was...it was fucking terrible. So just call me back or come meet me or… Or something before tomorrow, before something, before any of our friends...” Before anyone dies because everyone in this realm is playing human tug of war with his wife and he’s the only one with any chance of keeping both of them safe, to shield both of them from the effects. Dear Twilight, after all he’s let happen to her, after all he always lets happen to her, he has to be good for something! “So honey, just please come see me. Rueki, baby, please I’m… I love you so fucking much. The fountain in Radiant Garden, we’ll make this all right. I won’t try to talk you out of a fucking thing, let’s just… Please let’s just fix this.”

He hangs up and waits with bated breath for her response. He waits for an hour before he realizes he promised to meet her at the fountain, though he cannot bear to sneak out the front door--there will be no sneaking about it, there will be a thousand questions and even more judgements and honestly, fuck everything else in the realm but his Rueki, she’s all he needs and nothing is going to stop him if she wants to see him. So he yanks open the bedroom window and sneaks out of it, taking off into a sprint until he reaches the fountain, looking around desperately like somehow he could possibly not realize she’s standing right there. He takes a seat at the edge of the fountain and tries to calm down his breathing--he doesn’t he can’t, and the thing inside of him that started aching doesn’t stop throbbing. He wonders if that’s how Rueki feels all the time. He hopes not, but if she does, when she shows up to meet him, he’ll wrap his arms so tight around her and keep her brittle heart and their aching soul warm for eternity.

He looks around, seeing her face in every single passerby, holding that damn breath on the hopes that she’ll just show up, that’s all she has to do.

She never does.


	15. Chapter 15

XV.

He’s not dead this time.

He’s not dead, but where he is, is worse. It’s suspended animation in isolation, it’s a noose around his neck, it’s a tantalizing whisper of freedom followed by a boot to his chest. 

He’s not kicked into anything, but that just means he falls forever, watching the world spill around him too fast--and so slow it moves in reverse. He can’t catch his breath, then air floods back into his lungs. 

He jolts up and he’s half convinced that the room around him isn’t real. 

“Oh!” Skuld’s eyes are huge from beneath her fringe. Her hand stills on his cheek, her knees are curled into her chest. “Lea…” She says his name gently but with fear lacing her tone, as though she’s horrified the thing animating her friend’s body is more of a foe.

“Lea, say something.” Isa demands from the edge of the bed he’s in--his bed. Lea looks around with wild eyes as too much light floods his vision, like he’s had his eyes closed for so very long. Something clicks into place in his mind, he chokes on his breath, makes a move to get out of bed and is abruptly shoved back down by Isa and Skuld.

“Let’s not get too carried away.” Skuld suggests.

“I’m dead.” He announces.

“You’re not, don’t be an idiot.” Isa tells him.

“We’re in Twilight Town.” Lea replies, like this is all the proof he needs. Isa heaves a sigh. 

“And as aware as we are that your wife managed to destroy the place, she also managed to bring it back. Well, her and Vanitas.” Isa shrugs. Lea’s heart stops, he’s going to be sick.

“Rueki… Rueki’s dead.” Lea murmurs. Skuld and Isa exchange a look and something new leaps into Lea’s chest. Is it hope? Is he hoping that--

Ven died because of what she did. There’s no other way to spin it, she knew it was going to happen and she held onto Vanitas to keep him away instead of leaping in to save Ven. She could have been the catalyst to save the world and maybe she did somehow but…

But his head still swims with the very real fear that crept up into his chest and built a nest inside of him when she held her blade to Kairi. Or the way that she defended Vanitas with tooth and nail against Aqua, who she had once desperately hoped would like her. He’s been so wrapped in Rueki’s life that thinking about the woman she’d been in the last year and even who she became on the battlefield, he wonders how he can even think that he knows her when very much he realized he doesn’t. He has no idea who she is, and can he love someone despite all of that? Can he love someone who spent so long wronging everyone, just because she made it right in the end? Just because he was going to forgive her for having been so thoroughly manipulated in the first place?

The answer is a blatant, obvious yes. But she’s dead, and there’s safety in that, in loving the memories she created, knowing full well she can’t do anything to taint them further. 

There’s that fucking look passing between Isa and Skuld. Lea hates that look. 

“There’s no way.” Lea insists, because he knows Rueki could not have possibly made it. Not with what she did to her body, not with the gaping holes in her abdomen, not with the way she faded into nothing as she touched his face, not with how cold her body was in his arms and then--

Funny, he doesn’t remember what happened after that, or how he got home. Did he pass out? How hard did he sleep that Isa and Skuld are waiting at his bedside?

“We don’t know.” Skuld admits, bluntly. 

“There’s something you must know, but I doubt you’ll be pleased to hear it.” Isa offers.

“Please tell me she actually killed Xigbar this time.” Lea doesn’t mean it to be funny, but Skuld laughs loudly.

“Yes, yes, all of the Foretellers are gone.” 

“But...Lea, the war has been over for a year.” Isa explains and suddenly the weight crashes onto Lea.

“Then...then what about Rueki?” He demands and Skuld shakes her head.

“That’s seriously what you’re asking about? You were in a coma for a year.” She reminds him, and while that is odd and distressing and Lea wants to come back to that, he needs to know what the hell is happening with Rueki, with his Rueki, because he’s equal parts hopeful and horrified and doesn’t know what will happen when he sees her face again, but he needs to so badly. 

“We thought she was dead.” Isa answers with a sigh, because truly, Isa doesn’t expect anything less from him at this point. “But about an hour ago her...her body showed up at the doorstep.” 

“What do you mean showed up at the doorstep?” Lea balks.

“Like we don’t know what happened, but she died, we buried her and now she’s here. Kairi thought someone dug up her grave, but she’s bleeding...and she’s breathing on her own. Amaya had to stitch her up, we don’t even know if she can move or if there’s any brain activity, we’re waiting for her to wake up, but she’s here…” Skuld explains. 

“Could...could Xigbar have…” Panic quickens Lea’s pulse, Isa sets a hand on his shoulder and shakes his head.

“There’s no reason to believe any of the Foretellers are behind her revival. She was very much dead when we buried her, and she’s not particularly doing well. It’s like her body just picked up from where it left off.” Isa explains. 

“But _could_ those other forces be…” Lea starts up, but Isa shakes his head.

“Terra and Aqua have searched Daybreak Town. It is still a graveyard. There’s no reason to think the Master of Master’s or any of his Foretellers could be back. And most importantly, Ava has not returned to issue warning. If they were back, we’ve collectively agreed she would be here to warn us.” Isa explains. And while that little bit of room for doubt manages to expand and grow inside of his head, something more important dawns on him. Rueki is here. Somewhere in this house, Rueki is here. 

“Can I see her?” He asks. Skuld and Isa exchange a look.

“She doesn’t look...well. We’re not sure she’s going to make it, we have no idea what’s going on with her.” Skuld explains. “Plus no one knows what kind of shape you’re in, your vitals have been good, but you’ve been in a sort of stasis for a year.” 

Something about that bites strangely at the back of his mind, and Lea doesn’t love that, but he can’t stay put.

“I feel fine.” He insists, throwing his legs over the side of the bed. Someone has dressed him in clean pajama pants and a T-shirt. Almost to make a show of it, Lea stands upright and Skuld looks at him like he’s damn near lost his mind. “Please, where is she?” 

“Lea…” Skuld tries.

“In the room we set Skuld up in when she returned to us, do try not to break a bone on your way down the stairs, I don’t need to spend another year bathing you because you because of careless injuries.” Isa grumbles. Lea’s face grows warm as he looks to his best friend, maybe more grateful than he’s ever been. Isa won’t look at him though, utterly unwilling to accept the gratitude. And Lea, he wastes no more time, he teleports straight out of his room and almost falls over himself as he spills into the spare room. Roxas is at the bedside, clutching a metal hand. Amaya is blotting some sort of salve over an abdomen, Kairi is wringing her hands near the bedside, but Lea takes a step forward and chokes.

She looks...she looks like death.

Ash and blood are caked in Rueki's hair, which is matted in tendrils around her gaunt, ashen face. Her skin, although normally fairer than his, is nearly gray. 

“Axel!” Roxas leaps to his feet, but Lea downright sidesteps the boy, sidesteps Kairi who is also calling his name, and takes Roxas’ place at her bedside and takes Rueki’s face into his hands. 

“How is she?” He asks Amaya who looks at him, but doesn’t stop cleaning Rueki’s wounds.

“It’s good to see you awake. This day just gets stranger and stranger.” Amaya shakes her head. “She’s um...it looks like she’s capable of healing. I stitched her up and with some Al Bhed Potion the wounds are starting to close… Del said she did a lot of transmuting before she died, though. I know the kind of alchemy Rueki was capable of was very powerful, but there are certain things she could have done that would have pushed her well beyond the realm of human capabilities...I don’t know that a level like that can be mended.” Amaya halts for just a second, wistful eyes finding Rueki. “We don’t even know that she’ll wake up.”

“She will.” Roxas says firmly.

“If anyone is stubborn enough to avoid death, it’s Rueki.” Kairi agrees. Lea’s stomach flipflops, he brushes some matted hair out of Rueki’s face.

“What do you think?” Amaya asks as she bandages up a particularly deep cut on Rueki’s thigh. 

There’s no hesitation, that bugs Lea the most.

“She’s gonna come back.” He says flatly, quickly, intuition guiding his thoughts. How fucked up. Here he is, making assumptions, looking down and expecting full well for Rueki to jolt upright then and there, gasping, wheezing. She doesn’t, she sleeps soundly and Lea wonders if this means she chose to be a Reaper. But why would her body have showed back up if she chose to stay--

No, he’s making the worst of assumptions. She might not have even played the Reaper’s Game and if she did, she certainly wouldn’t have laid his life down on the line like some demented form of colatteral. 

He falls asleep in that tiny bed, beside her every night that week, dreading and hoping in equal parts for her to wake at his side.

But it’s not at his side that she bursts back. He’s in his room with Isa, Skuld, Roxas and Xion, playing cards because they are all each convinced that somehow Lea is going to combust if he’s left to his own devices for any period of the day. 

Roxas gets a text that he ignores until Xion wins their game, giggling with the most mischievous look in her eyes. When Roxas looks down at his phone, Lea knows very well what the message reads. Roxas throws himself off the bed, tripping straight over his own feet, barely catching himself on the dresser.

“I didn’t realize it was your first day walking.” Isa murmurs and Roxas shoots him an utterly scathing look.

“Rueki’s up! They’re in the living room, Ienzo and Aerith are here to check on her, she’s up, everything’s going to be okay now!” Roxas cheers.

But they get downstairs and nothing is okay.

“Well fuck, where do you want me to start, the fact that Braig groomed me? Or that I fucked him because for a while, I used light magic as a drug and he supplied it and now my heart is falling the hell apart? Do you want me to tell you that I left Lea because I misheard a conversation between him and Skuld or do you want me to tell you that I went on an absolute spree of killing off worlds and taking light from princesses because I kept hoping, seriously hoping that whatever happened next would be better? Or maybe we move onto the fact that I was involved with the human embodiment of darkness not because I loved him, but because he was the only person around who felt as utterly rejected by the people he longed for as me, and now that he’s dead I feel more alone than ever? Maybe none of that even matters and you want to hear about how superhumans manipulated me and raised me for the slaughter, but is that really a big deal when half the fucking kids I know were raised for the same thing? I could tell you about how Braig tampered with mom and dad’s fuel tank and mom’s in charge of purgatory and how I had a chance to die peacefully but I didn’t take it, I fought and I won some stupid fucking game for dead people and now I’m back and I--I can’t even fucking walk or dress myself. And I wish--I wish--”

Rueki can’t speak, but Lea can’t breathe. Instincts take him over and his body demands he flee, he throws himself straight out the screen door, taking off into a sprint until he reaches the edge of their property, heart hammering in his chest. His palms splay across a massive oak tree. Skuld is quick behind him, setting a delicate hand on his shoulder.

“Lea…” Skuld starts.

“She’s awake.” Isa reminds him, catching his breath from a little further away. Lea’s response to this is to put his fist into the tree again and again until his knuckles split open, until his hand hurts so bad that his mind can’t anymore, until he’s just a mass of throbbing nerve endings, screaming in redhot pain. At least he can’t think, at least he can’t process, at least every last thing hurts and goddamn, doesn’t it feel like old times, isn’t it nice that she never changes, isn’t it great that she’s dragging him through the ringer without even trying to, isn’t it fucking cool that he’s got these chains around his ankles and he’s getting pulled back into the war that she can’t escape from?

He hits the ground. Skuld flinches, jerking back, but where she falls short, Isa dives in, getting down on bended knees, setting a hand flat across Lea’s back. And Lea just--

He sobs.

He sobs broken and open, falling face first into grass and dirt. He sobs like a little boy who discovered he lost his heart, he sobs like he did when Rueki set down her rings in his hand and ran free, running as far and fast from him as she could. And yeah, she’s awake, she’s alive, she fixed all of her mistakes and somehow the darkness that she and Vanitas--she fucked him, she slept with someone else, she let’s go so faithlessly every time things fall short of her expectations--injected into the realm saved it. But she’s…

She's not even trying to hurt him, she isn't doing this on purpose, and that makes it worse.

She’s frayed at the seams and how dare he not try to complete her? She’s so broken and she just needs someone to make her whole, and she did that for him once upon a time, so who is he not to rise to this occasion? She’s questioning her very life, how can he possibly leave her on her own?

He feels it again, his soul, her soul, their soul and it hurts, aching like a rotted tooth, sick and pulsating. He has to forgive her, he has to love her, he can’t feel this miserable without her all the time and he can’t leave her to die without him.

His body gets too hot for a second, like someone is single handedly trying to incinerate him. His face gets blotchy from lying crouched for so long, when he shifts back into Isa’s arms, they’re kids again and Lea is bawling because they got kinda far in the castle this time and Lea’s dumb shoe sqeaking got them caught and--

“I can’t do this.” Lea chokes out, it feels like the words aren’t coming from him. Not his mind, not his heart, but something deeper, something so drawn to his absolute need to survive that it feels foreign. He hasn’t felt this left out on the line since--

Since he was a child, made to fight like a man by some Nobody with a god complex.

“Whatever you need, we’re here.” Skuld assures him, crawling over, taking his hand in hers. 

“It’s not me.” Lea shakes his head. “It’s gonna kill her. She can’t walk, she lost her friend, she found out the guy that she was with played a hand in killing her parents, and now I’m gonna walk away from her cuz I’m too goddamn selfish to do this with her again.” Because he sees it happening. Sees it like a loop that they’re stuck in oh so permanently. She’ll fall apart, he’ll put her back together, she’ll need him so severely, so fiercely, so thankfully and she’ll bow to his every whim again, fall to putty in his hands. And then life will happen. It doesn’t even need to be a war or a superhuman. It doesn’t need to be anything beyond the slightest shift in routine, and like he trained--tormented, abused--her into believing, she’ll convince herself that whatever happened is a problem she can’t fix. Too scared to fix it, she’ll take off, she’ll fight it, she’ll break down again and nothing will be able to put her back together. Not him, not Kairi, not Roxas, not even tearing herself apart. No, not until everything decays as rapidly and brutally as her breaking heart will she be able to break the cycle and look at him with eyes renewed. He can’t enable that, he can’t break himself apart to keep saving her, he just--

His hands are empty and bloody and he just fucking can’t.

He makes plans with Skuld and Isa, talks it all through.

And then he breaks Rueki’s heart. He sees it in the carefully constructed jigsaw of her face, held so perfectly neutral. He breaks her heart and she smiles and offers to sleep on the couch. He hopes she does sleep. Because he lays awake at night and tells himself that time really is what he needs. Time will heal all. Time will heal the fact that the second he sees her, all his damn resolve wants to fall apart.

\--

He watches her out the window like a fucking psychopath while she waits, patient in ways he's never seen her. he Lea wishes her face was at least tilted toward him. He just wants to see if she’s smiling, just wants to see if she’s happy, just wants to see if she’s surviving--because some days he feels like he isn’t, but he realizes until that hole is filled, he probably shouldn’t even talk to her 

“You’re utterly pathetic.” Isa tells him.

“Fuck off, man. I’m just wondering why she isn’t inside.” Lea murmurs.

“Go talk to her.” Skuld suggests. Lea snorts. “You told her you wanted time, you’ve had time. Go see if you like being around her. Amaya says she’s doing better.” And for whatever reason, Skuld does seem to particularly value Amaya’s word. Lea feels frequently, the gaps he’s missing in the year he spent comatose. He hates when Skuld has a good point, hates when he realizes that he’s not going to come to a conclusion about whether or not he can be around Rueki by avoiding her like the plague. 

He’s just not sure he’ll be able to draw the line when she’s watching him with stars in her eyes.

And he sees both eyes as she turns around, looking at him with parted lips, breathing his name like gospel. He’s expecting a corpse, he’s expecting a zombie, he’s expecting to see her like he saw her after Kairi died, but to his surprise, she looks good. Her face is glowing, she’s not wearing any makeup, but he doesn’t see heavily pronounced shadows beneath her eyes. 

Her hair looks damn good short. Like really good. Like he wants to run his hands through it and peel the tiny black shorts off her body, and damn he wonders if she’s wearing a bra, because just a little shift in the ribbons that line her shirt like suspenders, and he’ll be able to see the most delectable little tease of--

Words! He needs to remember how to speak, or he’s going to pick her up, teleport her up to the bedroom and fuck her senseless and as delightful as that would be, it would be hella hard to say ‘yeah, I still need time’, afterwards. The breathless pace they used to move at with each other was so fucking delicious but left no time for either of them to heal. Now that he’s trying to encourage them to both just do that, he realizes why they wasted no time before. They’re both terribly impatient humans--and she’s so fucking gorgeous, it isn’t even fair.

And sure, she seems to be doing better. But she’s standing on such shaky legs that Lea knows he can’t sweep her feet out from beneath her now. Not when he doesn’t even know where his footing lies. He looks at her and sees traces of the woman he loves, of her ambition, of her determination, of her wicked sense of enthusiasm and her salty sarcasm. 

But he still finds himself thankful when everyone else heads outside, and he can flock to Isa, Skuld and Xion, all of whom he knows will hold the both of them accountable on equal grounds.

“Well?” Skuld asks quietly, expectantly, brows raised up into her bangs, hands on her hips.

“Anyone ever tell you that you’re kinda pushy.” Lea huffs, Skuld smirks. 

“I wouldn’t have to be if you weren’t tiptoeing around your feelings, Captain Avoid-o.” She accuses. Ouch. 

“Has she changed?” Xion asks.

“It’s not like I wanted her to.” Lea admits. “I love Rueki. I just can’t have us using each other as a crutch anymore, that was killing us both.”

“And here you are, finally having clear expectations for your relationship.” Isa smirks, smug bastard.

“You know, you two are judgey as hell now that you’re together.” Lea accuses, Skuld laughs.

“That’s the best part of being in a relationship.” Skuld insists. “You know, she doesn’t look like she’s trying to avoid anyone. Maybe she’s facing her problems.”

“You sound like you have really high expectations for her.” Xion’s mouth curls into a pout. “I didn’t think you really liked her.”

“I didn’t, not really. But I don’t think anyone really remains static. It wouldn’t be right of me to assume that she did. So if the war really is over, and we really are preparing a new generation of wielders to take the helm, maybe I should...try to relearn who she is. Because yeah, she did a lot of the stuff I thought she would. But she did change her mind in the end.” And maybe it was just because of Kairi, but Lea sees Rueki looking back at him, and irritatingly enough, Skuld has a point. Again. 

“Well then we’ll have to get you like a black streak for Vanitas or something. You guys were close, right?” He hears Kairi ask, linking her arms behind her back, he flinches but so does Rueki.

“I don’t think I want to hold onto him like that. He had a really rough go at life. He deserves to rest now.” She says quickly, Lea’s eyes widen.

“Huh.” Isa murmurs.

“That’s very selfless of you…” Riku hesitates on the word, mulling over, letting it resonate in the air around them.

“Therapy has to be good for something, right?” Rueki grins.

“And whatever it isn’t, I can be there for.” Kairi offers. “If there’s anything you need, you can always let me know.”

“Let any of us know.” Sora nods, and Lea watches Rueki bite her lip. He anticipates her answer, knows it like the back of his hand, knows the clumsy, endearing way she’ll deflect.

“Thanks guys...Um Kairi, actually, if you guys are gonna be in Radiant Garden...I don’t know where you’re all living now, but if you wouldn’t mind staying a couple nights with me at Cid’s ...even just one would be--” Rueki starts.

“Of course I’ll stay with you, are you kidding?” Kairi all but flutters and Lea blinks, watching his wife with zeroed in focus. Did she...did she really actually ask for help? Out loud? In front of people?

She sends him a text that night that he reads about a thousand times, memorizes, word for word, but never replies to. If she is healing, if she is learning to stand on her own, if she really is rising up from the ashes, then he can’t ruin that.

He never forgets that he’s the one who broke her first.

How dare he do it again.

\--

Drawing the line is good and well, but when she comes over to paint, he would happily cross that line. That terrifies him, but at least he knows it’s because of the way she’s looking at him, lips parted, blown out pupils. 

At least he’s not the only one thirsty as hell for the other, but damn, he is just drying his hair, she really must be holding out for him. She’s laughing with Isa when he gets downstairs, she apologizes when she makes an assumption, she looks at him like a deer in the headlights and straight up books it out of the house.

Isa looks like the smuggest bastard in the entire world.

“I don’t even want you to start.” Lea warns him, but this hardly deters Isa.

“I was just going to applaud you for your ability to keep things fresh in your marriage. Do tell, what’s the secret to acting like adolescents too afraid to confess their feelings, even after you’ve been married for years?” Isa taunts, Lea’s face turns red and it dawns on him that yeah, they actually have been married for a few years now. What an actual clusterfuck. 

“I think I actually liked you better when you didn’t like her.” Lea decides. 

“I think it’s pretty screwed up that you spent years tormenting her and now you’re acting like you’ve been team Rueki since the beginning.” Roxas mutters.

“Maybe you could give the two of them some credit where it’s due.” Skuld suggests.

“You’re just as bad as he is.” Roxas snaps.

“Omigod, I’m not telling any of you where I’m moving to. I’m just going to get a place and become a hermit and that’s going to be that.” Lea decides. 

“That sounds exactly as idiotic as something she would say. You’ve even retained each other’s verbal mannerisms. That’s entirely too precious.” Isa leers. Lea inhales sharply. 

“I am taking my time.” Lea says. Isa shoots him this insufferable look.

“I believe you were taking your time. I think your mind is made up now though, you’re just being frivolous.” Isa accuses.

“Lea should be able to take as long as he wants. Rueki didn’t exactly come rushing to correct her mistakes. She did because her hand was forced.” Xion says, evenly, chewing on her lips.

“Why are you so against her?” Roxas grumbles.

“I think there’s room to crawl out from inside her ass.” Skuld says and Roxas shoots her a glare. 

“I’m not against anyone, I’m just saying that Lea deserves to be sure, no one should pressure him into anything, I’m glad it doesn’t seem like Rueki is, but it’s not a bad thing to want to know who you are outside of a relationship.” Xion narrows her eyes at her hands in her lap, like they’ve done something personally to offend her. And maybe that’s why he’s not rushing headlong. Maybe that’s why he’s not jumping in, maybe that’s why he doesn’t greet her with arms around her waist and lips on hers when she gets back with the paint. Maybe it’s because he really just needs the time for himself…

Maybe it’s because he’s scared that she was able to turn into something he never would have expected, right beneath his nose, and maybe he’s fucking terrified that she’s going to slip away from him just as easily if he dives back in again.

And it would be so easy to dive back in like nothing ever went wrong. 

They all have dinner together and he remembers the things he loved about Rueki. The way she is attentive, the way she is clever, the way she talks her friends up and adapts to Isa, to Skuld, to anything the realm throws at her.

She pinches him beneath the table with her toes and he remembers that he does like being her friend, that he has always had fun with her, that when they were sleeping together with ‘no strings attached’, this is how the strings grew. From his heart, from his very being, from the smile that he can’t scrub away as he thinks about her when he, Isa, Skuld, Roxas and Xion go to get ice cream. 

This is why the line is so hard to draw. Because she doesn’t just fulfill him, she compliments him in every way, shape and form, she plays off of him with the spark in her eyes to match the fire inside him. They’ve been dangerous as hell from the beginning, but there has never been a day where the tempest of all that she is, will be unappealing to dive into.

Hurricane or rainfall, he’s never not going to want to let her heart pour all that it has onto him.

If there was just some way to set the type of boundaries that would keep them both sane, maybe he would--

He gets home, the walls are yellow. Not red, yellow, and his heart does some weird little flipflop when he looks at her. Maybe it’s their soul, maybe he’s feeling what she is.

She bites her lip, the walls are yellow, there’s a way. There’s a way and he knows it and he spends the night looking at her unanswered text, thinking of the horror in her features when she departed through a dark corridor, thinking of the way that he knows now, if he asks her, she’ll talk those fears out with him. 

He thinks of her and he sees a future. Not something beautiful and hazy, wrapped in rose colored glasses and broken dreams. Not something fantastical, and fairy tale, and wrapped in glitter. 

He sees their future, and in the dark, he pulls out his phone and texts her. 

\--

Her mouth is sweeter than the dessert forgotten on the table. 

“Do you…” He pants. “Do you want to stay together?”

“Yes!” She breathes.

“Thank Twilight.” And he consumes her, kisses and ignites, and lives for the feeling of her beneath him until she puts her hands on his face and halts him. 

“Wait!” She asks him to and his heart almost bursts. Yes, this, all of this, more of her halting him, more of her caring for himself, more of this forever. “Could we...take it slow?” She asks.

It almost seems insane to be asking. Insane because of how they hit the ground running, insane because they’re the two most impatient people he knows. Insane, because he couldn’t be any happier with her idea.

“Yeah.” He agrees. “Yeah, I’d like that.”

This time, he kisses her with the same force a butterfly’s wings kiss flower petals. 

When he pulls away, her hands ghost his jawline, he shudders in delight.

“What uh… What changed your mind?” She asks and if he's not mistaken, she doesn't sound scared, but rather, curious. He brushes her short hair out of her face so that it flutters into the cushion of the couch behind her.

“I know you again and I know we're not going to hurt each other.” He tells her, a little smirk curls up on her plump lips.

“And therefore you love me again.” She predicts.

“No.” He tells her, her eyes widen. “That never stopped.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you guys tomorrow in the epilogue


End file.
